Bloodthirsty Parisians are pumped for apocalyptic Pokémon action.
Niantic, the company behind the wildly popular mobile phone app Pokémon GO, has unveiled plans for an update that allows players to experience the game in a more visceral, blood-curdling way.
“When we launched the app in July, it was a hit beyond our wildest dreams,” explained Russ Crouch, creative director at Niantic. “It was many people’s first introduction to augmented reality, and players were charmed by the chance to see Pokemon seemingly running wild in the real world. The opportunities for violence were endless. Facebook was flooded with snapshots of people balancing Pokémon on the rims of blenders, in the jaws of animals at the zoo, in the open flames of blowtorches … the level of creativity was really impressive.”
But that was four months ago. Since then interest has naturally flagged, leaving behind a core of diehard fans prone to delving into ever more depraved methods of torturing the critters they encounter. Niantic promises the update will reinvigorate the app’s fan base by using virtual reality to plunge the player into the Pokémon universe.
Former BFFs Monica Key and Samantha Lawrence in happier times. “I hope no one even remembers her little death stunt,” Lawrence says.
The generation raised on social media is now insisting that they die on it, with one ugly competition for “likes, upvotes and favorites” separating two best friends from Fort Lee, New Jersey.
“Death cred,” the rage among aging millennials who’ve reached the mandatory physical death age, is so important to some that they’re hiring top-dollar “death producers” to choreograph, document and promote their deaths.
“When Monica started planning her death, it was a simple, dignified affair,” recalls Samantha Lawrence. Then Monica Key met visionary death producer Chuck Bemis. “Now Monica wants a ‘statement’ death,” grumbles Lawrence.
“A memorable death hinges on the balanced intersection of two ideals: spectacle and mystique,” said Bemis. “Too much spectacle and you lose the magic. It becomes like a Michael Bay film. Too much mystique can backfire, too.”
“I love the idea of reducing our carbon footprint,” said Mary Garrison.
Newlyweds Mary Garrison and Linda Engle say downsizing to a tiny house in Squamish, Wash., is step one of their dream of living together for eternity at the Google data center in The Dalles, Oregon.
“The idea of having our uploaded brains living in virtual reality inside a hard drive the size of a piece of toast feels a bit claustrophobic,” said Garrison, “and we thought a tiny house would help with the transition.”
From left, Mary Garrison and Linda Engle hope one day to downsize to a 1TB hard drive on a 19-inch server rack.
“What happened to ‘till death do us part’?” Engle joked, who says she loves living in their new 400 square foot home with their 12 dogs, four cats and ferret named Jamie. “Our tiny house is wonderful, but I’ll admit that when we’re living in virtual reality I want a kitchen the size of the (expletive) Pentagon,” she said.
Photo credit (top): Tiny Cottage by Tammy Strobel, licensed under CC 2.0
Photo credit: JD10-13byAJR_1B7A3980 by Alicia J. Rose, licensed under CC 2.0