Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.
Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.
“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”
They could be next.
Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”
Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”
Humanity’s rapid march toward self destruction led the CDC to act quickly and decisively.
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released today asserts that the human body is a disease- and bacteria-ridden, going-nowhere piece of s#*t and needs to be replaced.
“Biology is our own worst enemy, and the doctors and scientists at CDC refuse to ride the dying horse of humanity to the grave of a thousand sorrows,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, CDC director. “I’m proud to announce the CDC will partner with the Russian government and Amazon to redevelop the human species as non-biological life.”
The jointly developed BOOB (Blind Obedience from Obsolete Biology) program offers financially qualified citizens the opportunity to have their consciousness uploaded to an Amazon server where, as a virtual entity, they can endlessly browse the Internet, go on weeklong benders and spank their virtual children, all without consequence.