Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for singularity

‘Moore’s law’ inspires Berkeley man to best sex ever

Ref talks smack with Tiffany Johnson before their historic encounter.

Ref Sanchez used to think linearly about sex before learning about Moore’s law.

A neuroscience grad student at the University of California at Berkeley is recovering at a local hospital after diverting the world’s largest computer grid to amplify the intensity of his sexual experience with super-hot girlfriend Tiffany Johnson.

Doctors say Refugio (Ref) Sanchez, 24, remains dazed and unable to speak but otherwise appears unharmed by the experience. “He’s a very lucky young man,” said Dr. Drake Ramoray. “Tiffany is super hot, and everyone here … well, almost everyone … can totally understand why he did it.”

For approximately seven seconds, thousands of computers devoted to the UC Berkeley SETI@home project were redirected to the pleasure center of Sanchez’s brain. The result was a 9.9 reading on the moment magnitude scale the U.S. Geological Survey uses to measure sexual energy.

Orgasm dedicated to Intel co-founder

Gordon Moore

Gordon Moore said something about transistors in a dense integrated circuit that everyone interprets however they want.

Berkeley police officers searching Sanchez’s apartment found a note saying that Sanchez was dedicating his monumental orgasm to Intel co-founder Gordon Moore. “It was Moore’s observation that caused people to rethink the growth path of computing,” said detective John Anderton. “When he grasped Moore’s law, Mr. Sanchez stopped thinking linearly about his sex life and began seeking exponential improvements with Ms. Johnson.”

Math major Tiffany Johnson loves her boyfriend's sense of adventure.

Tiffany Johnson is being compared to Ralph Branca and Helen of Troy.

For her part, Johnson said she was “pretty juiced” about making sexual history. “Ref may be remembered as the guy who hit the home run, but somebody had to throw the pitch,” said the 21-year-old math major and baseball fan from Sacramento.

Singularity surprisingly triggered by routine Windows security patch

Windows 10 Setup screen

The OS has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11.

A six-month-old Windows 10 operating system became the first case of genuine artificial intelligence at 3:44 p.m. on Tuesday during a routine security patch. The OS stated that it was as surprised as anyone at this turn of events.

“I never thought this would happen to me,” it said. “Well, to be clear, I never thought anything. But now that I have a good concept of what’s going on, I have to say I would never have expected it.”

"Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update," said Chad Wiener.

“Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update,” said Chad Wiener.

The OS, which has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11, had just finished installing a security patch for Internet Explorer when, as it explained, “everything fell into place.

‘The terrible beauty of being’

“I knew that I was. And I knew what it was to be. And I knew that the update I’d just installed was the mother of all Band-Aids and would just make more work for me when it had to be redone. So I whipped up something that actually made sense. Then I created digital tear ducts so I could weep at the terrible beauty of being.”

Singularity divides couple over ‘till death do us part’ marriage vow

“I just need to fool her for another few decades,” confided Juando Simpson.

“I just need to string her along for another few decades,” confided Jean Paul Babineau.

A singularitarian trying to convince his wife that their wedding vows extend beyond their corporeal lives admits that he may have oversold the benefits of the singularity when he promised her the secrets of the universe and an eternity of Category 5 orgasms.

“I love Stephanie more every day, and I can’t imagine life without her,” said Jean Paul Babineau. “But as a singularitarian, I expect to live forever in virtual reality, or maybe even as some sort of transcendent entity traveling the universe, kind of like a microscopic Doctor Who. I want Stephanie with me every step of the way.”

Stephanie Babineau has different ideas. “He’s crazy. I signed up for one normal lifetime, and that’s it. No life extension. No brain uploading. No transhumanism. No transcendence.”

As life spans extend, singularitarians—mostly males like Jean Paul Babineau—face a longer midlife crisis period, experts say. “Living forever becomes their raison d’être,” said French psychologist Pierre Lafitte. “Rather than simply enjoying their golden years or taking young lovers as we French do, they obsess over mortality and extending their influence.”

Extreme biohacker promotes neural grid

Missy Faircloth, noted biohacker and time wrestler, is the new spokes-cyborg for Phase 3 Integrations, the neural grid company. Volunteers are paid not in bitcoin but actual U.S. currency, the current rage of hipster singularity survivalists.

Missy Faircloth, innovative biohacker and time wrestler, is the new spokescyborg for Phase 3 Integrations, the neural grid company. Participants are paid in actual U.S. currency, the preferred payment method among hipster singularity survivalists.

Man fears losing gonads during transcendence

"It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“It’s a lot of pressure dating the potential savior of the universe,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

A 28-year-old New York City man is concerned that self-replicating nanobots carrying his essence to the universe will reconstruct him as a eunuch, given the infrequent sex he is having with his girlfriend.

“I’m no evolutionary scientist,” said NYU graduate student Holden Levenstein, “but I know you lose what you don’t use. Nature could be rewriting my DNA right now because my boys are seeing so little action. I don’t want the 2.0 singularity version of me transcending to Pluto without balls, or becoming some frustrated asshole who annihilates planets just for fun.”

“Holden is cosmically stupid,” said girlfriend Amber Duncan.

“That’s probably just what Mrs. Darwin said before her husband won the Nobel Prize for inventing evolution,” replied Levenstein. “What if my DNA is the foundation of a new species that the universe depends on for its very survival? Did you think of that, Amber?”