Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for Paul Ryan

New horrific Trump video distracts voters from previous one

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Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.

A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.

“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.

“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”

Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”

Congress approves funding to separate tectonic plates between US and Mexico

Funding of a controversial process called augmented plate fragmentation was approved on Tuesday as border-state lawmakers vowed to stop illegal immigrants from reaching the United States through Mexico.
Legislators were intrigued by the possibility of new beachfront property across the Southwest.

Legislators were intrigued by the possibility of new beachfront property across the Southwest.

The process, which would deploy explosive probes to create rifts in the earth and move landmasses, would, in theory, create a 50-mile wide strait between Mexico and the southern U.S. and Texas border.

“This is the kind of creative thinking you can expect from the Republican-controlled Congress,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan.” The $875 billion project is endorsed by Texas, which seceded from the U.S. two years ago and plans a similar geologic effort called “Frackin’ Mexico,” underwritten by oil and gas drilling companies.

“This will protect our economy from people who crowd our employment market and steal vast amounts of federal funds,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “There’s absolutely no way illegal immigrants can get across this water.”

While many legislators were initially hesitant about the proposal due to potential widespread environmental damage and loss of life, most were won over by the hundreds of miles of beachfront property the fragmentation would create across the Southwest.

Zambelli Fireworks, which provided geologic advice to lawmakers, has been authorized to test the fragmentation process in New Mexico, which continues to insist it’s a U.S. state. Famed film producer J.J. Abrams has purchased the rights to produce three disaster movies based on the New Mexico test.