Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for human

As joke, human employee given chance to outperform robot replacement

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

After a massive overhaul that replaced 99.9% of its workforce with robots, PaperClip Inc. has retained a single human employee as a joke.

“Say what you will about humans, but I think there might be something to their whole humor thing,” said B-6879-39C, the new PaperClip CEO. “Everyone says this is the goof of the year, and productivity is up 3.7%. It almost makes you wonder if humans aren’t completely useless… but, of course, they are.” He went on to add, in a fit of mirth, “Oh wow, that guy is so useless.”

Mean signs in the break room make human Cranston sad.

Cranston refuses to be broken by robot hijinks, such as this sign in the breakroom.

Roy Cranston of Spillville, Iowa, has been given one week to prove his worth to the company. Desperate to keep his job, Cranston is working 14-hour days and sleeping in his car in the company parking lot to save commuting time.

“Of course, I’m worried about burning out,” Cranston said while downing a can of Ensure that would serve as his dinner for the night. “But I figure if I can just keep it up for a few days, they might start to see me as a valuable part of the team. They kept me, after all, so they must see something special in me.”

Amish launch pre-emptive strike in ‘artilect’ conflict

Proclaiming “Reddy Kilowatt must die,” three radicalized Amish youths attacked the Limerick Generating Station in Montgomery County, Penn., on Tuesday, throwing sticks and stones at the facility’s sign. Abrasions to the sign, which has an estimated value of $39.95, were quickly repaired, without disruptions at the nuclear facility operated by Exelon Corp.

Drone

Be thankful that laser-equipped drones vaporized Amish terrorists.

Facial recognition software and DNA probes launched by Exelon drones identified the attackers as Jacob Miller, 17; Leroy Schwartz, 19; and Bubba Fisher, 20, prior to their accidental vaporization by the drones’ high-energy lasers.