Embarrassed atheist let the moment get the best of him.
A Houston man who found reason as a youth admitted praying to dead agnostic scientist Carl Sagan on election night 2016.
“I’m so embarrassed,” said Christian Moore, 26. “I got on my knees and prayed to Carl just like he was a god. I self-reported to my atheist sponsor when I realized what was happening. Watching Hillary lose state after state was too much. I just couldn’t handle it.”
Similar admissions from nonbelievers were received at the American Humanist Association, Freedom from Religion Foundation and American Atheists. The groups fielded calls from members who said they prayed to the Force, NPR, Gloria Steinem, Harry Potter, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Richard Dawkins, Gene Roddenberry, Beyoncé, beer and Guardians of the Galaxy.
Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.
Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.
“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”
They could be next.
Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”
Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”
Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.
Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.
Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.
“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”
‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities
Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.
Trump’s hair is already on the campaign trail, hugging family pets and babies.
Having secured the Republican nomination for president, Donald J. Trump has been dodging questions and speculation about his choice of a running mate. On Tuesday morning he finally broke the silence in a series of tweets.
“Journalists busting down my door about VP nominee. Lots of excitement. @foxandfriends, @CNN, even failing @nytimes. EVERYONE wants me now!”
“Sorry @ChrisChristie! Sorry @RealBenCarson! You love America and I respect you for that but you can never love it like ME!”
“I am the best VP choice – ask ANYBODY!”
“I could do both – many high ranking officials have called me to tell me I could. Like to see them say so to Crooked Hillary. FAT CHANCE!”
“I love nothing more than our CONSTITUTION! Our CONSTITUTION says I can’t do both. Some losers don’t know that. SAD.”
“Who is better than me? NO ONE! But some parts of me are almost as good.”
Despite their ominous appearance, death panels are getting high marks for friendliness.
On Thursday, President Barack Obama finally got the bipartisan cooperation he sought for seven years as Congress authorized death panels to hear requests from citizens eager to have their life-saving medications withheld.
“I hear you, America.”
Signed into law in a morning Rose Garden ceremony, the so-called “Just Kill Me Now” legislation immediately went into effect. By late afternoon, the first applicant had met with a death panel in Cleveland, Ohio.
‘Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8’
“It’s such a relief to be denied my medication,” said Mary Schnegel, 91, whose mucopolysaccharidosis II requires drugs costing more than $300,000 annually. “Despite my scratch golf and active social life, I’m really suffering. Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8.”
Off the record, numerous citizens admitted their pleas for dignified deaths were a sham. “We just don’t want to live in a country where Hillary or the Donald is president,” confessed one 89-year-old-man. “At our age, dying is easier and less expensive than moving out of the country.”
President Clinton says her fantasies have migrated from salacious sex to bloodthirsty revenge.
During the darkest days of the 2016 presidential campaign, it was fantasies of nasty sex in the White House with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that kept Hillary Clinton fighting to win.
Will sparks fly when this Canadian hottie visits Washington?
“The pressures you face as a candidate are insane,” said the 45th president of the United States, appearing on the Ellen TV show. “The only way to survive is to have a great team and a rich fantasy life. Of course, I know that some fantasies shouldn’t be acted out.”
On Thursday, Clinton shared her Trudeau fantasies and other whimsies with Ellen DeGeneres and her audience. Clinton called her “Lewinsky payback” fantasy “predictable” but said her fantasy of a Supreme Court orgy on Air Force One had flair. “It had me playing the Slim Pickens role in Dr. Strangelove, with Clarence Thomas as the nuclear bomb, and me having a ‘wargasm’ all over Kim Jong-un.”