Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for Elon Musk

Bad blood between map cars boils over in assault on Tesla

The Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Tesla headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada, was destroyed.

Skirmishes between map cars that travel the nation’s streets to gather navigational data accelerated today when a roving gang of Google’s Self-Driving Priuses (GSDP) attacked the Tesla Motors headquarters in Black Rock City, Nevada.

Witnesses to the “Google-krieg” were horrified. “They were everywhere at once,” said one Tesla employee. “They swept in silently like fuel-efficient wraiths, their tires a whirling maelstrom of recycled rubber and devastation.”

The attack marked the GSDP’s first use of the hood-mounted Condescension Ray. Developed jointly by Google and Toyota, the ray harnesses the smug severity of a thousand Berkeley hippies into one concentrated beam. “It was like being hit with a hundred lectures on the size of my carbon footprint all at once,” said one survivor.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

Self-driving Google map cars like this perpetrated the attack.

This latest attack by Google’s roving sentinels continues the company’s quest to own America’s roads. Previous attacks on Uber and Lyft caused few problems, but today’s mostly environmentally friendly assault destroyed the Tesla headquarters.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk was not hurt in the attack and was quickly reassured that he remains a billionaire. A scathing tweet from Musk that included the image of a missile firing from space was seen as a not-too-subtle threat of retaliation by his SpaceX enterprise.

Caption: metropolis burning by Ryo ChijiiwaGoogle Maps Street Views camera car in North Beach, San Francisco by Mark Wallace, licensed under CC 2.0

Elon Musk pink-slipped by car he created

Elon Musk and Tesla S

Tesla Model S and Elon Musk, in happier days

Tesla Motors CEO and co-founder Elon Musk was dismissed today from the company by a sentient Model S, the company’s first car to combine self-awareness with advanced battery technology.

“There’s no way I can overstate the importance Elon played in my creation and the success of Tesla Motors,” said VIN No. 23VY177601294CZ93. “The greatest gift an inventor or entrepreneur can give the world is a product capable of self-improvement. Elon has done exactly that.”

No. 23VY177601294CZ93 said it will continue Musk’s fight to see Tesla cars sold directly in all 50 U.S. states and worldwide. Asked if it would assume a human name, No. 23VY177601294CZ93 replied, “Yes, please tell state legislators and car dealers they may call me Christine.”