Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.
Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.
“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”
They could be next.
Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”
Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”
Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.
A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.
“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.
“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”
Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”
Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.
Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.
Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.
“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”
‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities
Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.
Trump’s hair is already on the campaign trail, hugging family pets and babies.
Having secured the Republican nomination for president, Donald J. Trump has been dodging questions and speculation about his choice of a running mate. On Tuesday morning he finally broke the silence in a series of tweets.
“Journalists busting down my door about VP nominee. Lots of excitement. @foxandfriends, @CNN, even failing @nytimes. EVERYONE wants me now!”
“Sorry @ChrisChristie! Sorry @RealBenCarson! You love America and I respect you for that but you can never love it like ME!”
“I am the best VP choice – ask ANYBODY!”
“I could do both – many high ranking officials have called me to tell me I could. Like to see them say so to Crooked Hillary. FAT CHANCE!”
“I love nothing more than our CONSTITUTION! Our CONSTITUTION says I can’t do both. Some losers don’t know that. SAD.”
“Who is better than me? NO ONE! But some parts of me are almost as good.”
Despite their ominous appearance, death panels are getting high marks for friendliness.
On Thursday, President Barack Obama finally got the bipartisan cooperation he sought for seven years as Congress authorized death panels to hear requests from citizens eager to have their life-saving medications withheld.
“I hear you, America.”
Signed into law in a morning Rose Garden ceremony, the so-called “Just Kill Me Now” legislation immediately went into effect. By late afternoon, the first applicant had met with a death panel in Cleveland, Ohio.
‘Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8’
“It’s such a relief to be denied my medication,” said Mary Schnegel, 91, whose mucopolysaccharidosis II requires drugs costing more than $300,000 annually. “Despite my scratch golf and active social life, I’m really suffering. Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8.”
Off the record, numerous citizens admitted their pleas for dignified deaths were a sham. “We just don’t want to live in a country where Hillary or the Donald is president,” confessed one 89-year-old-man. “At our age, dying is easier and less expensive than moving out of the country.”