Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for dogs

Fido and Fluffy killing baby boomers for Greenies, thrills

Formerly sweet animals are turning on their human companions.

Murderous co-conspirators resting up for the next kill

Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.

An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.

“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”

Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’

Cold-blooded killer caught in the act.

Cold-blooded killer caught in the act

Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”

Valentine’s shocker: Technology shifts age at which women prefer dogs to husbands

Valentine'sDog

Watch your back, guys. The family dog could be gaining on you. Some scientists believe that women’s growing passion for animal companions will force men further into the shadows.

Simon Cone remembers the days when his wife Haley would light up when he walked into the room. These days when a smile and loving look appear on his wife’s face, Cone knows the cause is Sporty, the couple’s canine companion.

New research shows that Cone’s experience is becoming more common, as women increasingly prefer canine companions to husbands. “By age 43, about 72 percent of married women say they derive more joy from the family dog than their husband,” says Dr. Ima Pepper, sociologist and author of “The Future Is in My Head.” As late as 2005, men ranked higher than the family pet all the way until their late 60s.

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say.

“What’s interesting is the link to technology, because women’s preference for dogs seems to move in lockstep with technology becoming simpler and easier to use,” adds Pepper.

Simpler technology changes social contract

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates says he foresaw the link between technological complexity and male significance in society. “Do you really think all those missing .dll files, print spool errors and volume label syntax errors were mistakes? Microsoft gave men something to do that women perceived they needed. Unlike the user-pandering communists at a company let’s just call ‘Apple,’ we helped maintain the social contract that identifies women as users and men as network administrators.”

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Pepper sees more trouble ahead for men. “If you think things are bad now with women anthropomorphizing dogs, just wait until that cute-as-a-button family robot shows up,” she said. “Men desperately need a new, barely functioning technology they can use to demonstrate their usefulness.”