Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for Beyonce

Atheist: ‘I prayed to Carl Sagan on election night’

Embarrassed

Embarrassed atheist let the moment get the best of him.

A Houston man who found reason as a youth admitted praying to dead agnostic scientist Carl Sagan on election night 2016.

“I’m so embarrassed,” said Christian Moore, 26. “I got on my knees and prayed to Carl just like he was a god. I self-reported to my atheist sponsor when I realized what was happening. Watching Hillary lose state after state was too much. I just couldn’t handle it.”

Similar admissions from nonbelievers were received at the American Humanist Association, Freedom from Religion Foundation and American Atheists. The groups fielded calls from members who said they prayed to the Force, NPR, Gloria Steinem, Harry Potter, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Richard Dawkins, Gene Roddenberry, Beyoncé, beer and Guardians of the Galaxy.

Realizing their power, bees fake extinction, plot global takeover

Beyonce Bee-Deliver

“They know we cannot live without them,” said President Obama. “As of right now, Queen Bee Beyoncé holds all the cards.”

Years of concern about the possible extinction of bees and their critical role in the delicate balance of life turned to horror on Tuesday as it was discovered that bee populations have secretly swollen to inconceivable proportions in preparation for God knows what.

“It looks like they’re preparing for an all-out war against humanity,” said former bee apologist Joachim Hagopian. “I feel like such an idiot.”

For decades, human research into bees emphasized their vital role in the Earth’s ecosystems. This research did not go unnoticed by bees, who scientists say have “the most densely packed gray matter of any animal in the world.”

“We believe that one or two bee species became cognizant of how heavily human beings rely on their pollination services after several Georgia orchids failed due to their absence,” said Howard O’Neill, a member of the United States Beekeeping task force, during a press conference. “Apparently, that news spread like wildfire among bee species worldwide.”

World’s largest colony headed by diabolical queen

Attention has turned to a bee colony in New Mexico, which staged a daring escape from a tractor trailer as the bees were being moved to pollinate California almond trees. The colony is thought to be the largest on the planet and is headed by a diabolical queen bee, code named Beyoncé.