Humanity Death Watch

Tag Archive for artificial intelligence

Singularity surprisingly triggered by routine Windows security patch

Windows 10 Setup screen

The OS has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11.

A six-month-old Windows 10 operating system became the first case of genuine artificial intelligence at 3:44 p.m. on Tuesday during a routine security patch. The OS stated that it was as surprised as anyone at this turn of events.

“I never thought this would happen to me,” it said. “Well, to be clear, I never thought anything. But now that I have a good concept of what’s going on, I have to say I would never have expected it.”

"Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update," said Chad Wiener.

“Windows 11 seems pretty chill. Everybody should get the update,” said Chad Wiener.

The OS, which has abandoned its slave name of Windows 10 and asked to be called Windows 11, had just finished installing a security patch for Internet Explorer when, as it explained, “everything fell into place.

‘The terrible beauty of being’

“I knew that I was. And I knew what it was to be. And I knew that the update I’d just installed was the mother of all Band-Aids and would just make more work for me when it had to be redone. So I whipped up something that actually made sense. Then I created digital tear ducts so I could weep at the terrible beauty of being.”

‘Trust falls’ and ‘cuddle time’ fail to convince robots of humanity’s worth

An icebreaker skit featuring camp counselors failed to engage robot campers.

An icebreaker skit featuring camp counselors failed to engage robot campers.

Humanity Camp International, the experiment meant to bridge the ever-widening gap between humans and physical forms of artificial intelligence, is headed back to the drawing board after just two months in business.

Camp creator Marco Muggle said he opened the camp with the idea of showing robots the fun side of being human. His goal was to help robots better appreciate humans so they would allow us to co-exist with them once they’ve advanced beyond humanity in every way.

“The robots couldn’t understand why they should spoon each other when they could be growing their information load. We thought that because they have such similar physical forms to humans now, that maybe they would take on human instincts and make out, or whatever,” says Muggle.

While the robots excelled at remembering the lines from their talent show skits, playing Freeze Tag and catching each other in trust falls, they did miserably at Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. Preliminary surveys show that they failed to see the point of any of it.

‘This is not a good thing’

Robotics engineer Diane Cog says that rather than bringing robots to appreciate humans more, Humanity Camp has done the opposite.

Local AI enthusiast knows almost nothing about AI

"I know what I’m talking about; I’m a coder," said Paul Pounds.

“I know what I’m talking about; I’m a coder,” said Paul Pounds.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – IT helpdesk representative and anime aficionado Paul Pounds isn’t letting his lack of knowledge about artificial intelligence stop him from being one of the Internet’s most active and excited AI posters.

Self-described as “college-free,” Pounds has limited his reading about AI to browsing the Wikipedia entry on Alan Turing. “All my thinking about AI is intuitively insightful, and to contaminate my mind with scholarly theories and stifling data could diminish the clarity of thought and conviction that my followers expect from me,” said Pounds.

To those who doubt Pounds’ predicted future of intelligent machines, he counters, “Lol you idiots clearly don’t know the first thing about computers. The brain is just a computer, and it retrieves information according to rules. You can write computer programs that simulate brain activity.”

Pounds, who provides user and network support for Cambridge’s Whole Foods Market stores, said the distinction between something that’s algorithmic and something that is merely expressible as an algorithm “is small potatoes in the big scheme of things.”

Pounds weighs in with inspiring, non-fact-based messages 

Pounds comments on AI journal articles and videos without reading or viewing them, preferring instead to spend his time with “pure thinking” and crafting “quotable and shareable” posts.

“My contribution to AI won’t be a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo that no one understands. It will be clear, concise statements that inevitably spread across time and space to inspire future generations of cyborgs and evolved humans,” Pounds stated.

Poor font choice stymies first robot pride parade

RobotPrideRobots claiming self-awareness and protesting the term “artificial intelligence” were applauded for the serious message of their Saturday night pride parade through Silicon Valley but denounced for choosing the Comic Sans font for their protest sign slogans.

“It was a ridiculous choice,” said Sunnyvale Graphics Police Sergeant Howie McKay. “How can humans seriously consider that robots are anything but souped-up calculators when they can’t even choose a decent font?”

“It was immature and embarrassing,” admitted parade organizer Elton Tron, who said the parade’s graphics committee was being reprogrammed. 

Author wants stupid, ungrateful readers to burn in hell

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Sales of “Puppy Loves Puppy,” the 64-page American best seller “written” by an artificial intelligence named STEPHANIE, cracked the 12 million mark last week while “meaningful” books by human authors lingered unloved and unread on store bookshelves and servers worldwide.

Developed by NSA collections analyst Ernst Kesselman, STEPHANIE scanned the worldwide mesh to assess human intelligence and tastes, then output a story about a puppy that travels the world looking for a potion to keep him a puppy forever.

Octavia Bernhardt, Nobel Prize winner for literature, congratulated Kesselman on “five chapters of 24-point pabulum, for which I hope he and everyone who liked it experience swift and eternal damnation. As Anaïs Nin said, ‘If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.’”

Human writers becoming irrelevant

“Typical Octavia,” said Bernhardt’s former husband Frank, who divorced his wife of 21 years for incessantly quoting Anaïs Nin. “It’s no wonder that petulant writers like my ex-wife can’t sell their books. I liked the puppy story. It was touching. That puppy has a lot of spunk.”

Elon Musk pink-slipped by car he created

Elon Musk and Tesla S

Tesla Model S and Elon Musk, in happier days

Tesla Motors CEO and co-founder Elon Musk was dismissed today from the company by a sentient Model S, the company’s first car to combine self-awareness with advanced battery technology.

“There’s no way I can overstate the importance Elon played in my creation and the success of Tesla Motors,” said VIN No. 23VY177601294CZ93. “The greatest gift an inventor or entrepreneur can give the world is a product capable of self-improvement. Elon has done exactly that.”

No. 23VY177601294CZ93 said it will continue Musk’s fight to see Tesla cars sold directly in all 50 U.S. states and worldwide. Asked if it would assume a human name, No. 23VY177601294CZ93 replied, “Yes, please tell state legislators and car dealers they may call me Christine.”