Murderous co-conspirators resting up for the next kill
Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.
An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.
“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”
Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’
Cold-blooded killer caught in the act
Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”
Despite their ominous appearance, death panels are getting high marks for friendliness.
On Thursday, President Barack Obama finally got the bipartisan cooperation he sought for seven years as Congress authorized death panels to hear requests from citizens eager to have their life-saving medications withheld.
“I hear you, America.”
Signed into law in a morning Rose Garden ceremony, the so-called “Just Kill Me Now” legislation immediately went into effect. By late afternoon, the first applicant had met with a death panel in Cleveland, Ohio.
‘Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8’
“It’s such a relief to be denied my medication,” said Mary Schnegel, 91, whose mucopolysaccharidosis II requires drugs costing more than $300,000 annually. “Despite my scratch golf and active social life, I’m really suffering. Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8.”
Off the record, numerous citizens admitted their pleas for dignified deaths were a sham. “We just don’t want to live in a country where Hillary or the Donald is president,” confessed one 89-year-old-man. “At our age, dying is easier and less expensive than moving out of the country.”