Humanity Death Watch


We at Humanity Death Watch are extremely private people. If you so much as come near us, physically or virtually, without written permission, we will track you down, dismember you live and feed your disgusting, bloody parts to stray cats, who will leave your remains to be picked apart by rats and roaches, who will leave what’s left to be consumed by flesh-eating microbes until no trace of your pathetic, worthless existence even remains.

What … oh, sorry about that. Our attorney just informed us that the privacy policy is meant to protect you.

And the true fact is that Humanity Death Watch takes your privacy seriously.

We do not collect personal data from children under 13.

  • If you’re under 13 years of age, go play outside. In fact, that applies if you’re under 18. You have better, more appropriate things to do, and Humanity Death Watch is not intended for you.
  • The Children’s Online Privacy and Protection Act (“COPPA”) requires general audience website operators like us to get a parent’s prior consent if they are knowingly collecting, using or disclosing any Personal Data from a child under 13.
  • We do not knowingly collect, use or disclose any personal data* from children under 13.
  • If we learn that we have collected personal information from a child under age 13 without verification of parental consent, that information will be deleted.
  • Email: if you believe that we might have any information from or about a child under 13.

We do collect personal data, but only what you voluntarily provide.

To access some features of our website, you may be asked to provide personal data. For example, if you subscribe to our email list or podcast, you must provide your email address. If you want to purchase merchandise from our store, you must enter your full name, address, phone number, email address, and credit card information.

Non-personal data (information that cannot be used to contact or identify you) may be collected automatically about you when you use certain features of Humanity Death Watch. This information may be used to help us improve our site. We may track when you visit, how long you stay and which pages you view. We may also track which web browsers you use and the address you used to access our website.

Like many websites, we also use Google Analytics Demographics and Interest Reporting. This collects non-personal data to provide an overview of traffic by age and gender, by affinity and other categories. The information collected does not identify you personally.

We may share non-personal data with third parties to help us improve our website, better understand our customers and markets, and to improve our products and services. This information may also be used to deliver targeted advertising.

If you would prefer to opt out of the Google Analytics Advertising Features, we understand. Just follow this link.

We may store certain information from your web browser using “cookies.”

A cookie is a piece of data stored on your computer and tied to information about you. To confirm that users are logged in, we may use session-ID cookies. These cookies terminate once you close your browser. We also use “persistent cookies,” which store certain personal data that you already provided us. These make it simpler for you access your shopping cart. Cookies are used as a convenience feature for you. If you want to disable cookies, you can remove or block them by using the settings in your browser.

Here’s how we use personal data collected.

Personal data will be used in our store to complete your purchase and contact you if we have questions about that purchase. We also may use your personal data to let you know about upcoming events, new products or to ask for your feedback. Opting-out of these contacts is easy. Just follow the “unsubscribe” instructions in your contact email, or email mason@humanitydeathwatch. We still reserve the right to contact you about any problems or issues with your personal account or shopping experience.

We may disclose your personal data to third parties, but only when:

  • It is reasonably necessary to provide you with services.
  • You have authorized the disclosure.
  • If required or authorized to do so by law.

If you participate in the social networking of Humanity Death Watch, you are also giving us permission to include you in our RSS feed features, which allow other users to get updates on your social networking page and user profile. Use social networking features and post comments at your own risk. We are not responsible for security or privacy breaches that may result from your use of the social networking features or posting comments on our website.

We may also provide personal data to our affiliates, contractors and partners, who will use that data in compliance with this privacy policy. We may sell, rent, give or otherwise share your personal information with Humanity Death Watch successors, affiliates and other related third parties. Disclose of personal data will be shared if required or authorized to do so by law.

Security measures

The industry-standard security measures we use to protect your personal data provide reasonable protection against unauthorized access, but they are not a guarantee that your personal data will not be compromised.

Links to other websites?

Our privacy policy applies only to personal data collected on the Humanity Death Watch website. Our website often contains hyperlinks to websites that we don’t operate. These hyperlinks do not imply any endorsement of these third-party websites or any association with their operators. We do not control these websites and are not responsible for how they treat personal data.

* “Personal data” refers information to full name, birth date, e-mail address or mailing address, phone number and any other information that could be used to identify or contact someone.