Humanity Death Watch

Nation’s toilets don’t care who shits in them

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

With Americans battling over transgender rights and the use of public restrooms, the nation’s toilets came forward Thursday to assure the public they really don’t care who shits in them.

“All day every day, people push their hot shit into us,” said an American Standard 1.1 GPF Madera System toilet from the restroom behind the camping supplies at the Walmart in Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. “That’s my whole life. A person sits on me, makes some kind of stinking deposit, and they leave. If I’m lucky, they flush. If you think I care about the gender identity of that person, you have a very stilted idea of what it’s like to be shat into.”

“Shit’s shit,” declared a Toto UltraMax II toilet in the back of Las Tortugas Restaurant in Vestal, New York. “Trust me. I’m a unisex toilet in a Mexican restaurant. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. That chimichanga is coming out the same: absolutely disgusting.”

Uber-seniors’ crotchetiness still due to how stupid everyone else is

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being stupid.

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being morons.

Advanced medical technologies have extended human lifespans by decades, with some of the oldest people living into their 140s, so far. But while their bodies are remaining disease-free, strong and healthy, their attitudes have not fared as well, baffling the medical community.

Gerontologist Dr. Lucinda Quilt says that the grumpy demeanors of today’s uber-seniors are unexpected because until now, the explanation for their crotchety behavior focused on diminished mental faculties and because they often felt poorly.

Now, we are learning that the old-age stereotype of unfiltered cantankerousness is actually just a result of not caring about other people’s feelings and a general disdain for individuals who dare to cross their paths.

“It’s an unexpected phenomenon,” says Doctor Quilt, “made worse because modern medicine is keeping their minds sharp, and they actually have so much life experience that when they vocalize their negativity, you can’t help wonder if they’re right.”

USB-to-Nose adapter offers fast transfer speeds, looks adorably silly

SinUSB was inspired by “that messed-up scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger yanks a huge tracking device out of his nose, ” said the inventor.

Even as you read this, biotechnology engineers around the world are working tirelessly to close the ever-diminishing gap between man and machine. But while most major players in the field are focusing their resources on embeddable microchips and electrode brainwave scanners, one tiny Ottawa firm sees a different point of entry: the human schnoz.

SinUSB (pronounced “sinus bee”), beta-named Project Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose, features a straightforward design. Simply squirt a few pumps of SniffWare, a proprietary blend of nanobots and conductive fluid, into the nasal cavity. Then, for the next 6 to 8 hours, take any standard USB cable and shove the business end up your honker to start charging and managing your devices on the go.

While cynics write off SinUSB as a gimmick, the specs say otherwise: It boasts incredible transfer speeds of up to 25 GB/sec. Also, it’s super cute and goofy looking.

Trump alternative unearthed in nick of time

Frank-600 x 400-Deliver

Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.

Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.

Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.

“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”

‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities

Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.

Wine shortages the last straw for climate change deniers

Climate EmergencyRising seas that made Miami uninhabitable didn’t phase them. Sweeping food crises that claimed the lives of 4 million people, they explained away. Even super hurricanes that annually bash the Northeast coast of the U.S. haven’t been enough to convince climate change deniers that humanity’s actions have any effect on the climate.

But these deniers are sheepishly admitting, finally, that they may have been mistaken, now that the effects of the climate change are hitting them where it hurts. Wine shortages.

The wine shortage finally validated climate change for Irma and Frank Dealey.

The wine shortage finally convinced climate change skeptics Irma and Frank Dealey.

California’s Napa Valley, Italy’s Chianti Valley and France’s Bordeaux Region are just a few of the wine producing regions that are no longer able to sustain and grow quality grapevines due to sustained altered weather conditions. Wine production has seen a 60 percent decrease across the globe in just the last five years.

“Running out of wine is simply unacceptable,” says New York socialite Suzie Small. “This will not do. While it’s still hard for me to accept that I should consider giving up my private jet and fly—ugh, it’s hard to even say it—commercial, I’m the kind of person who is willing to make sacrifices for the greater good. But honestly, I don’t deserve this.”

First person to read entire user agreement reports everything mostly hunky dory

Bored woman with apple

With nothing better to do, Marquez read the Apple iPhone user agreement.

On Tuesday, in a fit of extreme boredom, Gabriella Marquez from Wichita, Kansas, became the first person ever to read the entire user agreement for an iPhone. When asked to comment, she replied that “everything [was] mostly hunky dory.”

“So there’s this thing where you have to promise your firstborn to The Reckoning,” Marquez reported. “I looked up The Reckoning in the app store and there’s three different games with that name. None of them look that good, but they’re all only 99 cents, so I guess that’s okay, unless you’re really against your kids playing video games.”

“Oh, also you’re not allowed to walk more than three feet away from the phone, or it sends a really strong electrical current through you. I thought that might be a problem, but I’d already had my phone a month when I read this, and I didn’t get shocked once. I tried it out and oh boy does it work, so I guess I just don’t ever put my phone down. It might be a problem if you’re old or super weird, but normal people don’t really have to worry about it.”

Father’s Day officially changed to annual BJ Day

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Thanks to the ‘Keeping it Real’ movement that’s been gaining traction over the last few years, Father’s Day has officially been renamed Annual BJ Day.

Fathers across America are rejoicing in finally getting a day that’s really about what they want, and men who have yet to become fathers say the new holiday gives them new incentive to take on that responsibility.

HappyDayJacob Dill, father and member of the Keeping it Real movement, explains, “We’re tired of whitewashed politically correct holidays. The Cleavers are long gone, and the Huxtables turned out to be a big lie,” he said. “Besides, dads can buy their own ties and fishing tackle. We cannot, however, give ourselves blowjobs.”

In the vein of Keeping it Real, many men say that once their kids were born much of their sex lives with their baby-mamas went into a steep decline. The Father’s Day blowjob is something they look forward to all year.