“I’m just so full of ideas, man. If I don’t create, I die,” said the aspen.
Citing a desire not to be tied down, the last tree on earth announced Wednesday that it is “not really into the whole ‘tree’ thing.”
The lone survivor of rampant deforestation, the 25-year-old quaking aspen in rural Alberta is, experts confirm, the last living tree of any species still in existence. When approached for comment, however, the tree groaned mightily and launched into a diatribe against the pressures of “societal norms” and “the man,” a target that came up seventeen times over the course of the interview.
A squirrel close to the tree reported that the aspen has always been self-absorbed.
“What is a tree, even?” the aspen submitted. “A shill for Big Paper? A home for happy little chirpy birds? Is that what you people want? It makes me sick.”
The tree refused to discuss both the rich history of its kind and the sad turn of fate that resulted in its being the last of its line. Instead, it played a mixtape of its spoken word poetry, with pauses between each track for commentary. Its poetry is, according to the tree, “heavily influenced by Finnish folk tales of the 14th century but with a natural progression toward gangster rap of the early ’90s.”
Opportunity awaits refugees in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Human rights groups across the globe are praising the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP) for committing to open its doors to up to 1.2 million refugees by 2018.
Refugees from Syria and other areas of conflict throughout the Middle East will be welcomed by the Texas-sized conglomeration of suspended debris littering the Pacific Ocean, said Val Plump, GPGP representative. “Our island nation may be a trash vortex, but at the center is a human heart.”
Mixed feelings about garbage island home
Omar Fakhoury of Damascus has mixed feelings about living on an island of garbage. “Of course, it’s demeaning. I’m a real person. I have a college education. I don’t want to live on garbage. But facts are facts, and the fact is that it’s a significantly better option than where I’m currently living. And it’s a much better reception than I’d get anywhere else in the world right now.”
Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.
Fatima Hadad, his next door neighbor, agreed. “I spoke to the emissaries from the GPGP just this afternoon, and I was so impressed. They understood our situation, and they really seemed to have our best interests at heart. But what self-respecting country wouldn’t?”
Some critics have said the GPGP is accepting refugees merely to improve its image. “While we may be the world’s go-to example for greed and human stupidity, there’s no ulterior motive here,” said the GPGP’s Plump. “We’re just doing our part in a bad situation, the same as anyone would.”
Employee morale is on the upswing at Frontly & Bladder.
Frontly and Bladder Inc., a copper tubing manufacturer based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is making waves with its innovative new workplace environment modeled after a slaughterhouse.
Troy Merk, the man behind the vision, credits an article he read about Temple Grandin, renowned author and slaughterhouse designer. “Ms. Grandin is all about keeping animals calm and killing them efficiently, making the process easier on everyone. So I thought: why shouldn’t the same apply to our workers here? Not that we’re killing them!” he added hastily. “We want them to be calm for their metaphorical death. Which, in our case, equates to a one-to-two percent increase in profit margins.”
Innovator Troy Merk takes inspiration from everyday life and death.
One calming measure is the altering of the office’s clocks. “When a cow sees itself approaching slaughter, it panics,” explained Merk. “The exact same thing applies to an employee who can see eight hours in a cubicle sprawling out in front of them.” To get around this, all office clocks display 3:45 all day long. “Research has shown this to be the ideal time,” said Merk. “Employees can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so they get invigorated and feel like they have just enough time to make one last push and finish one worthwhile task.
Murderous co-conspirators resting up for the next kill
Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.
An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.
“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”
Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’
Cold-blooded killer caught in the act
Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”
Night terrors haven’t prevented customer Andy Lee from enjoying his quality coiffure.
Shearly U Cutz, a hair salon in Madison, Wisconsin, is attracting nationwide attention with the low, low 3% decapitation rate of its robot stylist.
The Triminator, equipped with 24 pairs of scissors, 18 buzzers and one fine-toothed comb, provides “efficient, accurate styling utterly without human touch,” promises salon owner Bev Flanagan. “And it delivers complete customer satisfaction 97% of the time.”
“Our next 300 slots are already booked,” said Flanagan. “While nine of those customers are going to die a horrible bloody death, that doesn’t seem to be turning anybody off.”
All action, no small talk
Citing the opportunity to avoid making both small talk and eye contact during the hair styling process, Madison residents are flocking to the salon.
Love means never having to say you’re offline.
Wearables maker Jawbone unveiled on Thursday the world’s first Web-enabled mobile device for couples. It goes on sale next week.
Named “HeadsUp,” the device encourages face-to-face communication and stronger relationships by making mobile computing a couple’s activity. Product developer Lisa Twitch said the device was inspired by a former boyfriend who incessantly checked his phone instead of looking at her and working on their relationship.
Woman can’t keep hands off Web-enabled boyfriend
Emma Madison and boyfriend Liam Howard tested the forehead-mounted mobile solution for a month.
Both say they love the device, which affixes with 3M VHB™ acrylic double-sided mounting tape. “It’s addictive,” said Madison. “I can talk with Liam while doing something useful like checking email or updating my Facebook page.”
“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. I can’t be trusted,” said 32-year-old Kevin Crossways.
Congress passed a bill yesterday to extend childhood and delay certain adult rights and responsibilities until children are 35 years old.
The Adult Avoidance Act gained unprecedented support nationwide from constituents across political ideologies, especially those under 35 years of age. The bill was introduced last year in reaction to the new lifespan that humans now enjoy thanks to transhumanists’ life-extending breakthroughs. People are now living youthfully well into their late 100s.
The biggest changes to responsibilities and rights deal with voting and buying alcohol.
‘I never felt like a grown-up anyway’
“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.
The bill drafters said taking away voting rights was prudent because voting is a big responsibility that the “barista generation” can’t fully grasp. Alcohol is also now forbidden even for children 21 and over because the bill writers cite that scoring booze illegally is a “time-honored, character-building right of passage. It’s the American way,” said Rep. Jenna Bush Hager.
Sarah Greyson, 28, says she’s thrilled to quit her job and move back to her parent’s home to pick up where she left off when she was 11.