Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Ron Donoho

Apple Watch fetches record sum on Antiques Roadshow

The original Apple Watch drew praise. “For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones,” said Ellen DeGeneres. “Having it on your wrist? Genius.”

The original Apple Watch drew praise. “For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones,” said Ellen DeGeneres. “Having it on your wrist? Genius.”

Historical experts were baffled yesterday when a decades-old Apple Watch was appraised for $2.3 million on the long-running TV series Antiques Roadshow. It was revealed today, however, that the appraisal was a ratings stunt perpetrated with the staff of a rejuvenated prank show now called Punk’d on PBS.

“Yep, it was all a joke,” giggled Punk’d on PBS senior producer Ashley Butcher. “I want to thank our colleagues from Roadshow for allowing us to get back into the public eye.”

“We won’t be doing this again,” said a peeved Alden Fogeyman, longtime host of Antiques Roadshow. “This was foisted on us by the network. This is a new low for PBS. I don’t care that this was our highest-rated episode this century. If I was in this business for ratings, I wouldn’t be on PBS.”

Couple with antique mask on Antiques Roadshow

Was fake Apple Watch appraisal a new low for high-brow PBS?

When Butcher was informed about Fogeyman’s reaction, he shrugged and grinned. “I’m a fan of Roadshow,” said Butcher. “Smart people watch that program. We thought people would realize right away that the Apple Watch was a piece of crap back from 2014. I mean, what was Apple thinking when they brought that thing out? The watch was too big, but even so the screen was too small. The battery sucked. And apps never worked on it.”

NFL TV special recalls innocent days of human players

“We’ll never forget Rocky,” said Raiders fan Dave Cooper, left. “He was tougher than Biletnikoff and sneakier than Stabler.”

“We’ll never forget Rocky,” said Raiders fan Dave Cooper, right. “He was tougher than Biletnikoff and sneakier than Stabler.”

On the eve of Super Bowl LXXV, the National Football League aired a special feature that honored former Oakland Raiders linebacker Duane “Rocky” Fusznuts, the last human to play the game. Fusznuts, 26, is confined to a wheelchair and now speaks with a British accent, even though he was born and raised in Rutgers, New Jersey.

Even as a baby, Fusznuts rocked the silver and black.

Even as a baby, Fusznuts rocked the silver and black.

Fusznuts played in the league for five years, during the era of rapid introduction of cyborg players. During Fusznuts’ rookie year, the NFL abolished its 10-year-old rule that each team could carry just four borgs, and that no borg could play quarterback. In his last game, the former Raider took a stiff-arm to the helmet that seared off his right ear.

“Rocky Fusznuts was the last of a breed—literally—to play in the National Football League,” said Commissioner Roger Badell, the NFL’s first transhuman quarterback. “I know he’ll bounce back from this bout with chronic traumatic encephalopathy. He always does. We’re proud to honor him tonight here in the intensive care unit at The Johns Hopkins Hospital.”

Brewers discover man who hasn’t switched to craft beer

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DePaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A Miller man even in his youth, Joe DiPaola isn’t having it with “fancy-boy” craft brews.

A coastal Delaware man is reportedly the last person on earth who has not switched his or her preference in beer to a “craft” selection.

Sixty-year-old Joe DiPaola—friends call the 320-pound commercial fisherman “Six Pack”—says he only drinks Miller Genuine Draft. On the rare occasion when his local pub, Biden’s, is out of MGD, he’ll splurge and order Rolling Rock.

DiPaola was born and raised in the summer resort city of Rehoboth Beach. The tiny town was quickly overrun by man-bunned, bearded craft beer brewers and marketing reps when news of DiPaola’s singular, old-fashioned taste got out.

Fancy boys sipping beer

Today’s beer drinkers have lots of choices.

“We’re sure we can interest Mr. DiPaola, uh, Six Pack, in our Me So Honey-Honey Wheat Ale,” said Pappy Zickerdine, head of public relations for San Diego-based Belching Beaver Brewery.

Zickerdine stood in the lobby of the Rehoboth Comfort Inn near Ken Nerketh, head brewer for Stone Brewing Co. Nerketh held in his hand a 22-ounce bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale with a string around it tied to a gift card with “Six Pack” written on it.

Piled in the lobby were other gifts from would-be beer suitors. There were bottles of Smooth Hoperator (Stoudts Brewing Company), Boom Shakalager (Terrapin), Prescription Pils (Dogfish Head), Peter Piper Peppered Pale (Founders), Hoppy Seconds (Oskar Blues), Over Hopulation (21st Amendment) and Judas Yeast (Beer Valley), among others.

The Force to strongly suggest business merger with Google

Stormtroopers tired of being bamboozled by Jedi trickery believe a merger with Google would provide the neural upgrades they need to better support the Force’s dark side.

Stormtroopers tired of being bamboozled by Jedi trickery believe a merger with Google would provide the neural upgrades they need to better support the Force’s dark side.

The Force, a metaphysical power that binds the universe, reportedly wants to merge with Google, the American multinational power that binds Internet searches.
Kylo Ren, a First Order commander and upcoming dark sider, says he would be a natural for the Google board.

Kylo Ren, a First Order commander and upcoming dark sider, says he would be a natural for the Google board.

Now ubiquitous, the Force first caught the attention of the business world when it was redundantly featured in the seminal Star Wars movie franchise. “May the Force be with you,” was a popular catchphrase that spurred several trillion dollars in sales of intergalactic spaceship casualwear.

Jedi Googlers could dominate commerce 

Business insiders say that board members of the Force are concerned about lagging merchandise sales and want to partner with Google on a colossal AdWords-related venture.

Rey, a Force minority shareholder, believes her expertise in hyperdrive technology could help jumpstart Google’s stalled space elevator project.

Rey, a Force minority shareholder, believes her expertise in hyperdrive technology could help jumpstart Google’s stalled space elevator project.

It’s speculated that a merger would give the Force immediate control of social media outlets, while Google would gain a competitive advantage in behavioral analytics and tracking of species throughout the universe.

Turns out dumb tattoos are laced with smart technology

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

Tattoo artist Meercat Van Hagar used inks laced with secret chemicals.

A tattoo artist in Las Vegas has revealed that for the past nine years the federal government has been subsidizing her and others in the industry by supplying ink that tracks the psychosomatic predispositions of human beings.

Meercat Van Hagar, an 11-year professional whose Las Vegas Strip tattoo parlor is called The Mad Tatter, said that while people may sometimes choose laughable designs, her smart tattoos help to beautify humanity and keep America safe from terrorists and other psychopaths. “So those faux-hipster shade throwers who don’t understand what’s behind the art can just suck it.”

What’s behind the art is a clandestine campaign by the CIA. Tattoo ink such as Bloodline, Skin Candy and Eternal have been tainted with top-secret chemicals that seep through the skin and into the bloodstream. The process is called osmosocrania. The active ingredient in the chemical enters the brain and, in essence, starts taking notes.

‘Gotcha’ skin art serves national interests, says expert

“It’s like sending a microscopic Mike Wallace into your cranium,” says Kumar Haroldstein, a junior assistant associate professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “In just 60 minutes, the chemical absorbs all your predispositions. Then, every time you walk through a TSA full-body scanner at the airport, the information is sucked out and automatically entered into a national database.”

Playboy erects new strategy to bring back nudes

penis festival

In Japan, women celebrated the opportunity to once again appear nude in Playboy.

Though millions of people had really started to pick up Playboy to read the articles, the company has now re-reversed a decision to stop featuring nude photographs of women.

Marge2The racy publication burst onto the scene in 1953 and grew its circulation to a high of 7 million in 1972. The proliferation of free Internet porn sites helped whittle that number to 800,000 in 2015, the year executives decided to give up and de-nude.

Hef joined millions in protesting government data collection.

Hef joined millions in protesting government data collection.

A Playboy spokesperson says founder Hugh Hefner had signed off on the idea to nix nudes. But company executives later discovered Hefner had overdosed on mutated Viagra pills a decade earlier. That medical incident killed all brain activity and ceased function of all his vital organs, save for his penis. Hefner’s penis subsequently developed cognitive abilities and continued to run the company, albeit with limited communication skills, says Hefner’s personal physician Paman Derson.

Head fake fools Playboy executives

lowpoint2

A sophisticated party guy in public, Hef could be stiff in private.

“We think Hef’s penis was approached with the idea to stop running nudes and tried to refuse, but the physical response looked like Hef shaking his head in agreement,” says Derson.

SeaWorld’s new plan to boost revenue: The Orca Hotel

Underwater Hotel

At The Orca Hotel, you’ll sleep with the fishes.

After SeaWorld San Diego was forced to end its killer whale shows, the tourist attraction had planned to reboot its bottom line by building a nearby mega-hotel. The California Coastal Commission vetoed that project, but now the company has a new idea that executives believe honors its roots and also panders to out-of-town visitors: The Orca Hotel.

whale“It’s an expansive, underwater hotel in the Pacific Ocean where guests sleep, eat and interact with the whales,” says SeaWorld’s media director, former Navy Captain Ahab Enmoby. “We’ve designated 1.2 million square feet of seabed just off of Mission Beach that will be walled off from the rest of the ocean. We’re certain the public will be dying for this experience.”

Las Vegas odds-makers have set the over/under for the project’s cost at $1.25 billion.

One killer whale, two killer whales, three killer whales … 

Enmoby says the park learned its lesson after the documentary Blackfish soured the public’s attitude about keeping whales in small enclosures and making them perform tawdry circus-like tricks three times a day.

“The whales will be completely free—within the designated walls—and will swim in the oceans that their in-bred ancestors once roamed,” says Enmoby. “And imagine the delight of guests who can retire to the kelp beds in their suites and fall asleep counting the killer whales that are circling above them.”