Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Olly Lennard

Libertarian upbeat about hellscape he helped create

Couple facing Armageddon

“I can still choose what color my socks are and which rats to eat,” boasts Andrew Reynolds.

Andrew Reynolds, who subsists on rats and pond scum under the sickly red sky of New New York City, says laissez-faire capitalism just needs a bit more time to work its magic before regular humans see the benefits.

“Free markets hold the key to curing society’s ills,” said Reynolds, as he emerged from a tin shack next to the toxic waste reclamation plant where he works sixty hours a week. “Now that corporations have purchased and gutted the world’s governments, it’s only a matter of time before happy days are here again.”

A former investment banker at Goldman Sachs, Reynolds praised his current employer SuperCorp for decreasing its minimum wage to enable more young citizens to enter the workforce.

“After years of regulatory tyranny, SuperCorp is finally free to practice the exceptional and rational self-interest that will turn things around for the working man and woman,” Reynolds said. “Every time my children cry because we can’t afford food or medical care or because bandits roam the streets, I remind them to be thankful for their freedoms.”

Cancer-eating nanobot takes unpaid internship in rectum

Clive, as imagined by Beetle the nanobot

Beetle the nanobot faces a daily uphill battle inside Clive Jackson’s anus.

BOSTON — A nanobot with high hopes for helping humanity defeat cancer is instead working as an unpaid intern handling feces inside the rectum of Clive Jackson, a morbidly obese Bay Stater.

Bio-Engineered Tiny Leukemia Eradicator #0871, nicknamed Beetle, was designed to target, destroy and replace abnormal white blood cells, enabling leukemia patients to recover without unpleasant chemo or radiotherapy. But the economic downturn and glut of nanobots have left Beetle facing an uncertain future.

“I graduated from MIT in the top 1,000 in my class,” Beetle said. “That doesn’t sound impressive until you remember that there were nine billion of us in the program. Now I’ve had to move back into the diamondoid nanofactory with my parents and take an internship, literally shoveling sh*t in Clive’s ass.”

Clive Jackson suffers from gastroenteritis. Beetle took the place of several million gut bacteria after Jackson ate some processed cheese. “The boss tells me I’m getting valuable experience, but it’s not really relevant to what I want to do. The only thing I can see being at the end of is Clive’s hairy anus,” said Beetle.

Internships have their critics

Trillions of nanobots like Beetle take unpaid internships every year, despite concerns that they are exploitative and favor microscopic robots from more privileged backgrounds.

God: I didn’t create humanity, except for Richard Dawkins

Richard DawkinsGod, the Timeless, Omnipotent, Omniscient Author of the Universe, spoke to humanity directly yesterday for the first time in almost 2,000 years, admitting that It had no hand in creating any of the organisms on planet Earth, except for septuagenarian zoologist Richard Dawkins.

The message, broadcast yesterday at midnight EST, lasted approximately 190 seconds and was received simultaneously inside the heads of every human being on Earth in their native languages, presented commercial-free by Coca-Cola.

Sleeping adults were jolted awake and moving vehicles temporarily safely immobilized by invisible bonds as the Almighty confessed that life on Earth arose almost entirely via mindless processes of mutation and natural selection, exactly as evolutionary biologists have long said.

“I made space and time and junk,” said God, whose vocal fry shook oceans and whose slightest intonation reduced grown adults to tears. “But everything else, like, just sort of happened on its own, y’know? It wasn’t until 1940 that I actually made anything on Earth, and that was my beloved Richard.”

The Lord continued, “I made him entirely fresh. Just for no other purpose than for him to know and love me, really. That’s his function in life. I divinely inspired his work on atheism and science as a way to let the rest of you know that you’re sort of here by accident, basically. When he dies he’ll be with me for eternity.”