Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Mike Mazurek

‘Living’ unhealthy, CDC announces alternative

Human Self-Destruction Index

Humanity’s rapid march toward self destruction led the CDC to act quickly and decisively.

A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released today asserts that the human body is a disease- and bacteria-ridden, going-nowhere piece of s#*t and needs to be replaced.

“Biology is our own worst enemy, and the doctors and scientists at CDC refuse to ride the dying horse of humanity to the grave of a thousand sorrows,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, CDC director. “I’m proud to announce the CDC will partner with the Russian government and Amazon to redevelop the human species as non-biological life.”

The jointly developed BOOB (Blind Obedience from Obsolete Biology) program offers financially qualified citizens the opportunity to have their consciousness uploaded to an Amazon server where, as a virtual entity, they can endlessly browse the Internet, go on weeklong benders and spank their virtual children, all without consequence.

Grocery store dismisses customers for poor performance

Banned from Ralphs for slow checkout performance, Stella Hendrickson, 77, now must shop at farmers’ markets.

Banned from Ralphs for slow checkout performance, Stella Hendrickson, 77, now must shop at farmers’ markets.

Ralphs’ Store Manager Klaus Schmidt sensed a moment of customer service truth when he saw an elderly customer trembling as she attempted to decipher the store’s new fully automated scanning checkout system.

“She was in obvious distress, missing her friendly cashier and terrified by the gauntlet of technology checkout options,” recalls Schmidt. “On instinct, I took her aside and told her in a voice loud enough for others to hear that she was too slow and was no longer welcome at Ralphs.”

Seeing customers’ looks of disgust, fear and respect, Schmidt knew he was on to something. “People aren’t willing to drive an extra five minutes to the next grocery store. When you realize customers value convenience over self respect, anything is possible.”

Schmidt instituted customer rankings, checkout time limits, minimum purchase requirements and automated store ejections for dawdling. Each month he “fires” the poorest-performing 1 percent of customers. “Most of them are old and have degenerative diseases,” Schmidt says. “It’s their loss.”

Author wants stupid, ungrateful readers to burn in hell

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Advance orders for STEPHANIE’s new book, “Cats in Trees,” already quadruple that of any book in history.

Sales of “Puppy Loves Puppy,” the 64-page American best seller “written” by an artificial intelligence named STEPHANIE, cracked the 12 million mark last week while “meaningful” books by human authors lingered unloved and unread on store bookshelves and servers worldwide.

Developed by NSA collections analyst Ernst Kesselman, STEPHANIE scanned the worldwide mesh to assess human intelligence and tastes, then output a story about a puppy that travels the world looking for a potion to keep him a puppy forever.

Octavia Bernhardt, Nobel Prize winner for literature, congratulated Kesselman on “five chapters of 24-point pabulum, for which I hope he and everyone who liked it experience swift and eternal damnation. As Anaïs Nin said, ‘If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.’”

Human writers becoming irrelevant

“Typical Octavia,” said Bernhardt’s former husband Frank, who divorced his wife of 21 years for incessantly quoting Anaïs Nin. “It’s no wonder that petulant writers like my ex-wife can’t sell their books. I liked the puppy story. It was touching. That puppy has a lot of spunk.”

Teen blames parents for inferior genes, demands upgrade

Gina Jenkins believes genetic recalibration is her best hope of landing high school quarterback and future billionaire Mark Stevens.

Most of us have to deal with what nature gave us when we were born. Hair cowlick, shifty eyes or birthmarks that resemble cheese quesadillas. Whatever the quirk, it’s who we are. But for some, like 18-year-old Gina Jenkins, well, she’s displeased with everything.

“I was born with brown hair, brown eyes and short legs. Total nobody. And no one as special as me should have to endure such mediocre features,” she said from her bedroom in her parents’ Connecticut home. “The genetic catastrophe that is my parents shouldn’t have been allowed to reproduce.”

So Gina is suing her parents, Tom and Patty Jenkins, for what she calls “wrongful birth,” which left her with less-than-stellar sets of chromosomes. If her $250,000 lawsuit is successful, she plans to use the money for genetic recalibration.