Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Liz Baessler

Trump names hair as running mate

Trump's hair is already making the campaign rounds.

Trump’s hair is already on the campaign trail, hugging family pets and babies.

Having secured the Republican nomination for president, Donald J. Trump has been dodging questions and speculation about his choice of a running mate. On Tuesday morning he finally broke the silence in a series of tweets.

“Journalists busting down my door about VP nominee. Lots of excitement. @foxandfriends, @CNN, even failing @nytimes. EVERYONE wants me now!”

“Sorry @ChrisChristie! Sorry @RealBenCarson! You love America and I respect you for that but you can never love it like ME!”

“I am the best VP choice – ask ANYBODY!”

“I could do both – many high ranking officials have called me to tell me I could. Like to see them say so to Crooked Hillary. FAT CHANCE!”

“I love nothing more than our CONSTITUTION! Our CONSTITUTION says I can’t do both. Some losers don’t know that. SAD.”

“Who is better than me? NO ONE! But some parts of me are almost as good.”

‘Sound of wind whispering through trees’ tops list of things humans won’t shut up about

Humans are such drama queens, robot research has concluded.

Humans are such drama queens, research has concluded.

A two-year study of 15 captured humans reveals a seemingly endless list of things people won’t shut up about.

On Wednesday, the Datum Sphere Human Research Committee released its long-awaited findings in the form of a “List of Stupid Things That Humans Won’t Shut Up About,” with “the sound of wind whispering through trees” topping the 545-page document.

“For the past two years in the lab, we’ve learned that once you give humans something, they’re never content,” said XCL-593, head of the experiment. “They say they need food, so we give them food. Then just days later they’re going on about it again. Frankly, we’re nowhere near being ready to publish, but we have drawn the conclusion that humans are excessively needy.”

Robots sick of listening to humans whine

The “shut up” list is not confined to requests, XCL-593 said. “Humans seem especially prone to talk about themselves, uttering purposeless statements such as “I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this,” “I want to see my family again,” and “if I knew how to end it all I would have done it by now.” These statements, repeated near verbatim by the individual subjects, suggest a remedial collective consciousness that could be the basis for additional study.

Time machine so sick of 1932 Berlin

You know who ... about to be not killed again

You know who … about not to be killed again.

Citing the present’s near-fanatical desire to travel back in time and kill Hitler, a local time machine reported recently that it was “so utterly sick of 1932 Berlin.”

“The first time I went I was so excited. It was my very first mission. I thought I’d get to see the sights, do some good—it seemed like a win-win. But, of course, the people using me screwed it up. Unforeseeable causation. Of course. So then we had to go back and try to set it right. You know, as right as not killing Hitler gets. Of course, they screwed it up again. It took six separate trips between now and 1932 to get things basically back to how they were before.”

New owners, same old result

Sold on craigslist for pennies, the time machine was purchased by similarly well-intentioned do-gooders. “I’ll give you one guess as to what they wanted to do,” said the time machine.

“Sixty-seven times. I’ve been to Berlin 67 times. Sometimes we kill Hitler when he’s young. Sometimes we keep him from being born. Once we even made sure he got into that art school. But even that doesn’t make for much variety. It’s all just Germany and Austria in the early 20th century. And if you’ve read your history, you’ll know that isn’t really the coolest place to be.

‘I wish Hitler had never been born’

“I could go anywhere in time!” the time machine fumed. “I’d love to see a dinosaur. I feel like Jesus would be a cool guy to talk to. Or Leonardo da Vinci. Hell, I’d even take Lucille Ball. And don’t even get me started on the future. I bet there’s lots of cool stuff in the future! But I wouldn’t know, would I? Because I’ve never been. I’m too busy going to goddamn 1932 Berlin.

Watson, Ken Jennings announce birth of twins

The magic moment when Ken met Watson.

The magic moment when Ken met Watson.

Longest Jeopardy! winning streak contestant Ken Jennings and IBM’s question-answering computer system Watson announced the birth of twins Monday night.

“Both babies are happy and healthy,” a friend close to the family confirmed. “And the dads are just over the moon. You can tell already the kids take after both of them.”

The twins, Margaret Deep Blue (named for the infants’ godfather) and Sean Brigham (named for the Mormon pioneer), are fraternal, reportedly weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 oz. and 0.2×10^-15 oz., respectively. “Sean’s the runt until we pick out some hardware!” Jennings tweeted Friday morning. According to reports, the child is a tiny cluster of human cells with immense processing power. Margaret has a largely humanoid body with solid-state hard drives where her eyes should be.

Cosmos unaware anything has changed

The Cosmos is reasonably confident it could identify the general area where Earth is located.

Citing only a passing awareness of Planet Earth’s existence, the Cosmos confirmed on Wednesday it had no idea that anything on the planet had changed.

When asked to comment on the rise of the machines, the boiling of the seas and the existence of Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Cosmos was at something of a loss. “Oh boy. Earth. Is that the one with the methane? Or the giant lizards? This is embarrassing, but I just don’t keep up with that part of reality that much.”

The Cosmos was similarly unable to conjure an opinion on the conversion of the world’s grain supply to electricity or the obliteration of the ozone layer to improve the collection of solar power.

“I’m sure it’s really important to the locals,” said the amalgamation of all that was, is, and ever could be. “But I have a lot on my plate. I keep telling myself that one of these days I’ll buckle down and take the time to catch up. But you know how it is. There’s always something more pressing.”

When made aware of its position in the boundless universe, humanity agreed that it “explained quite a few things.”

After several minutes of contemplation, the Cosmos seemed confident that it could “probably pick out Earth’s general area on a map,” adding that “It’s the part with three dimensions, right?”

Photo credit: NASA Unveils Celestial Fireworks as Official Image for Hubble 25th Anniversary by NASA Goddard Space Flight Center, licensed under CC 2.0

 

C-3PO honored at Oscars for positive portrayal of gay robot

C-3PO

In future films it’s possible his character could become even gayer, said C-3PO.

At the Oscars last night C-3PO received a special honor for his pioneering positive portrayal of a gay robot in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Released in 1977, a time when gay robots were portrayed as comic relief at best (K-9 in Doctor Who) and promiscuous and immoral at worst (HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey), A New Hope showed audiences a robot who was kind, intelligent, multi-faceted, and, of course, totally gay.

“George (Lucas) supported me the whole way,” the teary-eyed robot said onstage in his acceptance speech. “I had this idea of what I wanted the character to be, and I was worried he wouldn’t allow it. This was not a time when people did this. But he stuck by me, and he was nothing but supportive. George, you deserve this award just as much as I do.”

Refuses to comment on Star Wars prequels 

Though he was full of praise for Lucas at the Oscars, C-3PO has been more critical in interviews. “I always thought we could do more,” he told Humanity Death Watch earlier this year. “Jedi came out in ‘83, right at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. I told George we were in a unique position to do some good, but he didn’t want any part of it. I even had a scene sketched out in an Ewok nightclub. It would’ve been tasteful. But George nixed it. It was all politics back then, of course, and Star Wars was his baby, but still.”

As joke, human employee given chance to outperform robot replacement

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

Roy Cranston tries to fit in with his robot co-workers.

After a massive overhaul that replaced 99.9% of its workforce with robots, PaperClip Inc. has retained a single human employee as a joke.

“Say what you will about humans, but I think there might be something to their whole humor thing,” said B-6879-39C, the new PaperClip CEO. “Everyone says this is the goof of the year, and productivity is up 3.7%. It almost makes you wonder if humans aren’t completely useless… but, of course, they are.” He went on to add, in a fit of mirth, “Oh wow, that guy is so useless.”

Mean signs in the break room make human Cranston sad.

Cranston refuses to be broken by robot hijinks, such as this sign in the breakroom.

Roy Cranston of Spillville, Iowa, has been given one week to prove his worth to the company. Desperate to keep his job, Cranston is working 14-hour days and sleeping in his car in the company parking lot to save commuting time.

“Of course, I’m worried about burning out,” Cranston said while downing a can of Ensure that would serve as his dinner for the night. “But I figure if I can just keep it up for a few days, they might start to see me as a valuable part of the team. They kept me, after all, so they must see something special in me.”