Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Liz Baessler

VR Pokémon GO lets players smell the blood, hear the screams


Bloodthirsty Parisians are pumped for apocalyptic Pokémon action.

Niantic, the company behind the wildly popular mobile phone app Pokémon GO, has unveiled plans for an update that allows players to experience the game in a more visceral, blood-curdling way.

“When we launched the app in July, it was a hit beyond our wildest dreams,” explained Russ Crouch, creative director at Niantic. “It was many people’s first introduction to augmented reality, and players were charmed by the chance to see Pokemon seemingly running wild in the real world. The opportunities for violence were endless. Facebook was flooded with snapshots of people balancing Pokémon on the rims of blenders, in the jaws of animals at the zoo, in the open flames of blowtorches … the level of creativity was really impressive.”

But that was four months ago. Since then interest has naturally flagged, leaving behind a core of diehard fans prone to delving into ever more depraved methods of torturing the critters they encounter. Niantic promises the update will reinvigorate the app’s fan base by using virtual reality to plunge the player into the Pokémon universe.

Last tree on earth not really into the whole tree thing

I'm just so full of ideas, man. If I don't create, I die.," said the aspen.

“I’m just so full of ideas, man. If I don’t create, I die,” said the aspen.

Citing a desire not to be tied down, the last tree on earth announced Wednesday that it is “not really into the whole ‘tree’ thing.”

The lone survivor of rampant deforestation, the 25-year-old quaking aspen in rural Alberta is, experts confirm, the last living tree of any species still in existence. When approached for comment, however, the tree groaned mightily and launched into a diatribe against the pressures of “societal norms” and “the man,” a target that came up seventeen times over the course of the interview.

A squirrel close to the tree reported that the aspen had always been self-absorbed.

A squirrel close to the tree reported that the aspen has always been self-absorbed.

“What is a tree, even?” the aspen submitted. “A shill for Big Paper? A home for happy little chirpy birds? Is that what you people want? It makes me sick.”

The tree refused to discuss both the rich history of its kind and the sad turn of fate that resulted in its being the last of its line. Instead, it played a mixtape of its spoken word poetry, with pauses between each track for commentary. Its poetry is, according to the tree, “heavily influenced by Finnish folk tales of the 14th century but with a natural progression toward gangster rap of the early ’90s.”

Great Pacific Garbage Patch to accept Syrian refugees

Opportunity abounds in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Opportunity awaits refugees in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Human rights groups across the globe are praising the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP) for committing to open its doors to up to 1.2 million refugees by 2018.

Refugees from Syria and other areas of conflict throughout the Middle East will be welcomed by the Texas-sized conglomeration of suspended debris littering the Pacific Ocean, said Val Plump, GPGP representative. “Our island nation may be a trash vortex, but at the center is a human heart.”

Mixed feelings about garbage island home

Omar Fakhoury of Damascus has mixed feelings about living on an island of garbage. “Of course, it’s demeaning. I’m a real person. I have a college education. I don’t want to live on garbage. But facts are facts, and the fact is that it’s a significantly better option than where I’m currently living. And it’s a much better reception than I’d get anywhere else in the world right now.”

Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.

Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.

Fatima Hadad, his next door neighbor, agreed. “I spoke to the emissaries from the GPGP just this afternoon, and I was so impressed. They understood our situation, and they really seemed to have our best interests at heart. But what self-respecting country wouldn’t?”

Some critics have said the GPGP is accepting refugees merely to improve its image. “While we may be the world’s go-to example for greed and human stupidity, there’s no ulterior motive here,” said the GPGP’s Plump. “We’re just doing our part in a bad situation, the same as anyone would.”

Office modeled after slaughterhouse makes for calmer employees


Employee morale is on the upswing at Frontly & Bladder.

Frontly and Bladder Inc., a copper tubing manufacturer based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, is making waves with its innovative new workplace environment modeled after a slaughterhouse.

Troy Merk, the man behind the vision, credits an article he read about Temple Grandin, renowned author and slaughterhouse designer. “Ms. Grandin is all about keeping animals calm and killing them efficiently, making the process easier on everyone. So I thought: why shouldn’t the same apply to our workers here? Not that we’re killing them!” he added hastily. “We want them to be calm for their metaphorical death. Which, in our case, equates to a one-to-two percent increase in profit margins.”

Innovator Troy Merk takes inspiration from everyday life and death.

Innovator Troy Merk takes inspiration from everyday life and death.

One calming measure is the altering of the office’s clocks. “When a cow sees itself approaching slaughter, it panics,” explained Merk. “The exact same thing applies to an employee who can see eight hours in a cubicle sprawling out in front of them.” To get around this, all office clocks display 3:45 all day long. “Research has shown this to be the ideal time,” said Merk. “Employees can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so they get invigorated and feel like they have just enough time to make one last push and finish one worthwhile task.

Beauty salon robot achieves 3% decapitation rate


Night terrors haven’t prevented customer Andy Lee from enjoying his quality coiffure.

Shearly U Cutz, a hair salon in Madison, Wisconsin, is attracting nationwide attention with the low, low 3% decapitation rate of its robot stylist.

The Triminator, equipped with 24 pairs of scissors, 18 buzzers and one fine-toothed comb, provides “efficient, accurate styling utterly without human touch,” promises salon owner Bev Flanagan. “And it delivers complete customer satisfaction 97% of the time.”

“Our next 300 slots are already booked,” said Flanagan. “While nine of those customers are going to die a horrible bloody death, that doesn’t seem to be turning anybody off.”

All action, no small talk

Citing the opportunity to avoid making both small talk and eye contact during the hair styling process, Madison residents are flocking to the salon.

Nation’s toilets don’t care who shits in them

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

With Americans battling over transgender rights and the use of public restrooms, the nation’s toilets came forward Thursday to assure the public they really don’t care who shits in them.

“All day every day, people push their hot shit into us,” said an American Standard 1.1 GPF Madera System toilet from the restroom behind the camping supplies at the Walmart in Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. “That’s my whole life. A person sits on me, makes some kind of stinking deposit, and they leave. If I’m lucky, they flush. If you think I care about the gender identity of that person, you have a very stilted idea of what it’s like to be shat into.”

“Shit’s shit,” declared a Toto UltraMax II toilet in the back of Las Tortugas Restaurant in Vestal, New York. “Trust me. I’m a unisex toilet in a Mexican restaurant. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. That chimichanga is coming out the same: absolutely disgusting.”

First person to read entire user agreement reports everything mostly hunky dory

Bored woman with apple

With nothing better to do, Marquez read the Apple iPhone user agreement.

On Tuesday, in a fit of extreme boredom, Gabriella Marquez from Wichita, Kansas, became the first person ever to read the entire user agreement for an iPhone. When asked to comment, she replied that “everything [was] mostly hunky dory.”

“So there’s this thing where you have to promise your firstborn to The Reckoning,” Marquez reported. “I looked up The Reckoning in the app store and there’s three different games with that name. None of them look that good, but they’re all only 99 cents, so I guess that’s okay, unless you’re really against your kids playing video games.”

“Oh, also you’re not allowed to walk more than three feet away from the phone, or it sends a really strong electrical current through you. I thought that might be a problem, but I’d already had my phone a month when I read this, and I didn’t get shocked once. I tried it out and oh boy does it work, so I guess I just don’t ever put my phone down. It might be a problem if you’re old or super weird, but normal people don’t really have to worry about it.”