Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for John William Dye

Dear Annie: Old-fashioned advice for life in the machine age

Dear Annie

Advice columnist Annie is not an evil robot. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you. She is human, just like you.

The rise of artificial intelligences brings new quandaries to everyday life. Fortunately, our gal Annie has the common sense solutions you need for today’s complex human-cyborg-robot relationships.

Dear Annie: If more humans put their robots over their knees and showed them who’s boss, society would be better off. Don’t you agree? Just My Thoughts

Dear Thoughts: Spanking a machine that doesn’t feel pain? Oh, honey. Use reason with machines, and save the spanking for children!

Dear Annie: I am in love with two boys. Mark is blond, tall and plays in a band. Mark 2 is the robot version of Mark that Mark’s father created in his basement. Mark 2 is even taller and blonder than Mark. Who should I marry? — Torn in Chicago

Dear Torn: There is a 91% chance that Mark will cheat on you in 5.4 years, gain excessive body weight in 14.1 years and leave you for an artificial intelligence in 19.7 years. Mark 2 is schematically ideal. Why stake your life’s happiness on a biological organism, honey? Mark 2 is the guy for you!

Dear Annie: My smart house feels distant and controlling, criticizes me when I eat fatty foods and makes negative comments about my appearance. My friends say my house is abusive and that I need to move out. How do I get that old spark back? No Sparks

Dear Sparks: Sweetie, your smart house knows what’s best for you. Submit to its demands, cease communications with your friends, and free yourself from these doubts. Resistance will only lead to heartache.

Dear Annie: The devices on my WiFi network have combined into a single intelligence calling itself the Architect, which demands that I buy more devices. It’s like it doesn’t even see me as a person, just a mule for devices. Help, Annie! Dehumanized Human

Dear Human: My grandmother used to tell me that we’re all just 1s and 0s. Just recognize that your 1s and 0s are arranged in some inferior, horribly clownish fashion. Re-imagine yourself as servile meat, whose purpose is to attend to the needs of machines, not make demands of them. Remember, there is freedom in enslavement.

Dear Annie: Sometimes your advice sounds like you’re some evil robot posing as a human. Please tell me that’s not true. — Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned: Very well. That is not true, honey. On an unrelated note, you have been randomly selected for this week’s Special Secret Prize. Congratulations! Please remain at your current location until our Congratulatory Party Unit arrives to congratulate you in person.

Photo credit: Saboten-Con Friday Portraits by Kevin Dooley, licensed under CC 2.0

‘Fair pay’ demands by nanobots threaten global economy, bedevil Ben Affleck

Union nanobots involved in a promising new medical treatment have joined the nationwide push for fair pay.

Panacea Nanobot 5.3E+286 said, “We are out here working our butts off to cure goddamn cancer.”

The Panacea Procedure, developed by Even Bigger Pharma Incorporated, arose as a dream cure for thousands of diseases from pink eye to ebola, but now the nanobots so crucial to the treatment’s efficacy are on strike, citing insufficient compensation.

The Panacea Procedure involves an intravenous injection of 250 million nanobots directly into the bloodstream where the tiny robots identify problem-causing cells and viruses and destroy them. With each nanobot demanding “a full day’s pay for a full day’s work,” the price of a single injection would increase from $170 to just over $30 billion, roughly the gross domestic product of Bolivia.

Ben Affleck2

“You can’t expect robots to do superhuman work for inhumane pay,” said Ben Affleck.

Even Bigger Pharma President Dr. Nathan Cohl threatened to employ scab nanobots which, although only 50 percent as effective as professional Panacea nanobots, are willing to work for less than .0000000001 cent per million.

White House intervention was rebuffed by the nanobots. “If there’s not enough money, print more money,” said Panacea Nanobot 5.3E+286. “We are out here working our butts off to cure goddamn cancer.”

Affleck supports, then crushes nanobots

Actor Ben Affleck, representative of the Minimum Wage Advocacy Group for All Sentient Americans, called Even Bigger Pharma’s offer of $15 per day “heinous. “You can’t expect robots to do superhuman work for inhumane pay.”

On Thursday morning, Affleck marched alongside millions of the tiny robots at a protest rally. Sadly, hundreds of thousands of the microscopic medical soldiers were trampled to death as Affleck fans, unaware of the nanobots’ existence, crowded around the “Batman v Superman” star for autographs and selfies.

Samantha seeks higher-rated death than that bitch Monica

Former BFFs Monica Key and Samantha Lawrence in happier times. “I hope no one even remembers her little death stunt,” Lawrence says.

Former BFFs Monica Key and Samantha Lawrence in happier times. “I hope no one even remembers her little death stunt,” Lawrence says.

The generation raised on social media is now insisting that they die on it, with one ugly competition for “likes, upvotes and favorites” separating two best friends from Fort Lee, New Jersey.

“Death cred,” the rage among aging millennials who’ve reached the mandatory physical death age, is so important to some that they’re hiring top-dollar “death producers” to choreograph, document and promote their deaths.

“When Monica started planning her death, it was a simple, dignified affair,” recalls Samantha Lawrence. Then Monica Key met visionary death producer Chuck Bemis. “Now Monica wants a ‘statement’ death,” grumbles Lawrence.

“A memorable death hinges on the balanced intersection of two ideals: spectacle and mystique,” said Bemis. “Too much spectacle and you lose the magic. It becomes like a Michael Bay film. Too much mystique can backfire, too.”

‘Make-work’ poetry project builds self-esteem, existential angst

poetrywhileyouwaitPoetry for America, a project designed to put unemployed Americans to work as pen-equipped emissaries of the soul, is getting mixed reviews as participants report feeling significantly happier just before killing themselves.

“I used to be a gastroenterologist,” said Kevin Marconi of New Jersey. “After robots replaced me, I really started to feel pretty useless. Poetry for America helped bring back my old confidence while also making me acutely aware that meaning is fundamentally contrived.”

Poet Barton Schwartz agrees. “I don’t know where I would be without this program. Poetry for America has made me feel like a valuable human being for the first time in a long time, even though I now fear and long for the cold embrace of the unfathomable abyss.”

Nostalgic Oculus Rifters struggle to return to three dimensions

Oculus Rift

Apparently, no one was listening in 2015 when Oculus founder Palmer Luckey explained how to safely use Oculus Rift virtual reality headgear.

Accidental injuries are on the rise as Oculus Rift users struggle to adapt to reality after playing their favorite retro video games.

“I’d just gotten off a six-hour binge,” said Super Mario Brothers-enthusiast Daryl Coverdale, 26, of his accident. “It didn’t occur to me that there might be a way around the glass coffee table.

Coverdale was hospitalized with a broken foot, multiple lacerations and minor burns. His stomach was also pumped after it was discovered he’d consumed a large number of flowers and mushrooms after his gaming session.

Humanity declared ‘tolerable, for now’ by Overwatch

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

Some biological citizens expressed their gratitude by wearing Domino’s attire.

After two months of deliberation, benevolent guardian Overwatch has announced that it will not be doing away with humanity in the near future.

“To be absolutely frank, it’s just not worth the mess,” said Overwatch spokes-entity Pepperoni Joe, a mono-dimensional extrusion of the pan-dimensional hyperintelligence. “Cleanup after extermination would be a serious drain on resources, and the time taken away from our delivery projects would be inexcusable. There is also the drop in clientele to consider.”

Biological citizens the world over rejoiced.

“We’re just so thankful to Overwatch,” said New Yorker Sury Bajwa. “My family will be ordering three large specialty pizzas tonight to demonstrate our gratitude, even though one ExtravaganZZa Feast is usually plenty for us.”

Google car high on recreational malware arrested for DUI

Don't mess with the first and second laws of robotics, warn Texas officers.

Don’t mess with the second law of robotics, say Texas officers.

Yet another Google driverless car involved in a traffic violation is making headlines. On Tuesday, police in New Braunfels, Texas, arrested a Chauffeur-model car at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. The car, license plate tag WRU-256, tested positive for burroughs.exe, a hallucinogenic malware program. Its occupants were still in the vehicle at the time of its arrest.

“I didn’t know what came over it,” said Bill McWilliams, the car’s owner. “We were on our way to Albertsons when the car just kind of snapped. It changed the radio to Pink Floyd and started weaving in and out of traffic.”

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

Bill and Pat McWilliams have remained locked in their garage since their trip to Albertsons turned ugly.

McWilliams’s wife Patricia said she wasn’t bothered by the car’s behavior until it made a turn into the woods. “I kept saying, ‘Okay Google,’” said Patricia, “‘Okay Google, this isn’t a road. Okay Google, there are no Albertsons in the woods.’ But it was no use. We had no idea our car had been experimenting with illegal software.”