Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Jeffrey Rindskopf

Trump alternative unearthed in nick of time

Frank-600 x 400-Deliver

Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.

Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.

Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.

“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”

‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities

Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.

TMZ drones provide stalkers with nonstop celebrity coverage

BradPitt

Did Brad know that Jen cheated with Matt LeBlanc and the New Orleans Saints’ offensive line?

Follow Air, a new program developed by gossip news site TMZ, deploys aerial drones that can lock onto a celebrity’s specific heat signature for the nonstop coverage that stalkers deserve.

“We’ve finally found a way to give stalkers 24/7 coverage of the Kardashians, the relationship foibles of Taylor Swift and the eating habits of Rihanna,” said TMZ spokesperson Charlie Brooks. Drone livestreams of Brad Pitt and Kanye West are especially popular, he noted.

Article engagement has reached an all-time high as drone-based stories like “Khloe Goes Crazy: Kardashian Caught Throwing Rocks at Sky-Camera” continue to attract new readers.

Despite critics complaining about the violation of celebrity privacy rights, no celebrity has yet taken legal action, though federal officials have expressed their own interest in the technology.

“We can’t make any judgments on the technology until we put it into practice ourselves,” said NSA PR official Michael Owens, before adding, “I sure hope they cover Jennifer Lawrence next.”

Photo credit: 141015-D-FW736-062 by DoD News Features, licensed under CC 2.0

GOP hopeful Blofeld reveals plan to block sun, sell nuclear energy

Ernst Blofeld will replace former GOP frontrunner Donald Trump as guest host of this week’s Saturday Night Live. Trump is recovering from accidental plutonium poisoning.

Ernst Blofeld has replaced former front-runners Donald Trump and Ben Carson.

Ernst Stavros Blofeld, the newest entrant in the Republican presidential primaries, is gaining momentum as the pool of contenders continues to dwindle and details of his bold plan to reestablish American economic supremacy emerge.

Blofeld’s proposal to construct an orbiting sun-blocking satellite and replace the sun’s heat and light output with orbiting Blofeld SunLite® nuclear reactors is a hit with the party’s right wing, which has always considered the sun’s free energy a socialist ploy.

“I will cast the world into a darkness deeper than any it’s ever known,” Blofeld announced at an Iowa rally. “All nations of the earth must purchase their sunlight from the U.S. or they will freeze in the dark.”

President of international crime syndicate SPECTRE, Blofeld continues to poll higher as other contenders drop from the race, either disappearing completely or suffering mortal wounds. Last week presidential contender Chris Christie was found strapped to a cold metal slab on a Newark sidewalk, dead from injuries sustained from a laser-based weapon.

“It’s refreshing to see someone running who isn’t a Washington politician. This guy Blofeld is a doer, and not just a talker,” said Des Moines resident Chris Mates. “He’s not perfect, but do you really think we’d be better off with Hillary?”

Congress approves funding to separate tectonic plates between US and Mexico

Funding of a controversial process called augmented plate fragmentation was approved on Tuesday as border-state lawmakers vowed to stop illegal immigrants from reaching the United States through Mexico.
Legislators were intrigued by the possibility of new beachfront property across the Southwest.

Legislators were intrigued by the possibility of new beachfront property across the Southwest.

The process, which would deploy explosive probes to create rifts in the earth and move landmasses, would, in theory, create a 50-mile wide strait between Mexico and the southern U.S. and Texas border.

“This is the kind of creative thinking you can expect from the Republican-controlled Congress,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan.” The $875 billion project is endorsed by Texas, which seceded from the U.S. two years ago and plans a similar geologic effort called “Frackin’ Mexico,” underwritten by oil and gas drilling companies.

“This will protect our economy from people who crowd our employment market and steal vast amounts of federal funds,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “There’s absolutely no way illegal immigrants can get across this water.”

While many legislators were initially hesitant about the proposal due to potential widespread environmental damage and loss of life, most were won over by the hundreds of miles of beachfront property the fragmentation would create across the Southwest.

Zambelli Fireworks, which provided geologic advice to lawmakers, has been authorized to test the fragmentation process in New Mexico, which continues to insist it’s a U.S. state. Famed film producer J.J. Abrams has purchased the rights to produce three disaster movies based on the New Mexico test.

Netflix worried about new frontal lobe streaming service

Innertainment beta tester Susan Spencer enjoys an episode of "Little House on the Prairie."

Innertainment beta tester Susan Spencer experiences an episode of “Little House on the Prairie.”

Innertainment, the new media service that allows subscribers to stream content directly inside their frontal lobe, is challenging Netflix to remake itself once again.

The fledgling Silicon Valley company promotes its new technology, which requires a small surgical implant, as the “television of the future,” broadcasting movies and television shows into the minds of their users.

“Without any sort of visible device, you watch movies and television shows in an instant,” boasted Innertainment CEO Michelle Cooper, who refused to comment on rumors the device causes a rare form of violent seizure.

Netflix officials denied any concerns about Innertainment. However, Netflix’s powerful Washington lobbyists are pursuing legislation that would prohibit Innervision from streaming virtually any content.

“We welcome the competition,” said Maurice Patterson, Netflix PR representative. “We just want to restrict the content they can show as much as possible. It’s just business.”

Media reports suggest that Netflix is working on its own frontal lobe streaming service. Code-named Mindflix, the service reportedly allows users to receive visual information via radio waves, so their minds can be constantly streaming the best movies and television series at all times of day.

“We might have something once we get past the side effects of crippling madness,” said a Netflix employee, who requested anonymity.

Photo credit: Crazy Clipper by Andrew Braithwaite, licensed under CC 2.0

Content creation android to replace all viral web writers

Masters of wit and brevity, Content Creation Androids created by Google are popping up everywhere.

Masters of wit and brevity, Content Creation Androids created by Google are popping up everywhere.

The U.S. unemployment rate skyrocketed two percentage points almost overnight after Google’s new Content Creation Android hit shelves at electronic stores across the nation. The Android, known as C.C., promises to render all viral web writer jobs obsolete.

Online companies expressed their satisfaction with C.C.’s content creation algorithm, which generates clickable articles based on current trends and upcoming hashtags. Some economists expressed concern, however, that layoffs of viral content writers will flood the employment market with unskilled labor.

“What we’re seeing now in the job market is a surplus of frustrated liberal arts majors with no discernible skills,” said economist Jon Fuller. “Most are too proud or weak to take factory jobs, so they’re being evicted from their overpriced apartments and have no place to go.”

Some are taking to the streets, wearing clothes tattered by design. One former Buzzfeed editor was seen carrying a sign saying, “One simple trick to ending unemployment? When I found out … blew my mind.”

Asked about the controversy surrounding the layoffs, a Content Creation Android purchased by Cracked responded, “It’s a tragedy. But I’ve got 12 ways to solve the unemployment crisis. Number nine will shock you!”

Photo credit: Android at Google by Roman Boed, licensed under CC 2.0

Couple meets in person for first time at 30th wedding anniversary

Couple eating ice cream cone

“Cecilia had only seen my face with an airbrush effect added, so I was extra nervous,” said Markus.

Last week in Cincinnati, Ohio, loving married couple Markus and Cecilia Baker made international news when they announced they would finally meet in person for the first time, in honor of their 30th wedding anniversary. On Tuesday, the couple met at Baskin Robbins, where they shared a double dip cone of Chocolate Multiverse Crunch ice cream.

Though the couple gained notoriety for their controversial decision to meet and make physical contact, their relationship began 31 years ago like any other. Markus sent Cecilia an eHarmony message full of winking emoticons and comments about his love of the archaic television program “Full House.”

“Our courtship was like a fairy tale,” Cecilia recalled.

The couple’s Skype wedding was live-streamed to dozens of friends and family members. For the next three decades, they enjoyed a healthy marriage based on Snapchat messages and Facebook pokes, before deciding it was time to drive across town and meet one another.