Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Dillon Flynn

USB-to-Nose adapter offers fast transfer speeds, looks adorably silly

SinUSB was inspired by “that messed-up scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger yanks a huge tracking device out of his nose, ” said the inventor.

Even as you read this, biotechnology engineers around the world are working tirelessly to close the ever-diminishing gap between man and machine. But while most major players in the field are focusing their resources on embeddable microchips and electrode brainwave scanners, one tiny Ottawa firm sees a different point of entry: the human schnoz.

SinUSB (pronounced “sinus bee”), beta-named Project Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose, features a straightforward design. Simply squirt a few pumps of SniffWare, a proprietary blend of nanobots and conductive fluid, into the nasal cavity. Then, for the next 6 to 8 hours, take any standard USB cable and shove the business end up your honker to start charging and managing your devices on the go.

While cynics write off SinUSB as a gimmick, the specs say otherwise: It boasts incredible transfer speeds of up to 25 GB/sec. Also, it’s super cute and goofy looking.

Douchebag raised in captivity makes crude Bluetooth headset out of twigs

Bluetooth Jungle Boy2A 15-year secret experiment conducted by the U.S. military is sending shockwaves through the scientific community, challenging the long-held notion that douchebags are made, not born.

On Tuesday, Washington declassified reports that a young man raised in captivity at a military black site fashioned a crude facsimile of a Bluetooth headset using twigs collected from his enclosure. Still living in secret, he proudly wears the makeshift device in his left ear, chattering endlessly and loudly in a guttural language of his own invention.

Man with office phone attached to his head with a rubber band

Perhaps one day researchers will identify a douchebag gene. Until then, humanity must look for the warning signs.

The son of convicted Miami-area douchebags, Aaron “Boss Tuna” Palermo, a personal trainer and self-described entrepreneur, and “Sticky” Nikki Beudert, heiress to the Beudert Aquariums fortune, Subject H721-K was taken into government custody immediately following his birth at Mercy Hospital. From there he was airlifted to DERMO, a military base outside of Jacksonville rumored to be a hotbed of top-secret operations.

For the next decade and a half, his living quarters consisted of a single, 25-foot by 25-foot enclosure filled with plant life and the sounds of exotic birds, designed to simulate jungle conditions. Living under 24-hour-a-day surveillance, Subject H721-K was deprived of all human interaction and outside information.

Public alarmed by douchebag assaults on fashion, taste

Geneticist Terry Billingham and biologist Walter Umbria received a $500,000 government grant to carry out their study at the height of anti-douchebag paranoia, following attacks perpetrated by douchebags against fashion and taste in the early 2000s. The goal was to provide conclusive evidence in the long nature vs. nurture debate surrounding douchebaggery.

Sony VR headset is just pair of goggles, guy in jumpsuit who pokes you

Unemployed bookseller Jay Winger took a job with Sony as the human component in the company's new VR offering.

Unemployed bookseller Jay Winger took a job with Sony as the human component in the company’s new VR offering.

Sony Computer Entertainment of America CEO Shawn Layden has announced he will be stepping down amid allegations that the company’s entry into the burgeoning home VR market is little more than a standard pair of flight goggles and some dude in a Tron jumpsuit who pokes the user, creating the illusion of full-immersion gaming.

“After I unboxed it and booted it up, my initial reaction was, ‘Wow, this is a massive leap forward’,” says Dave Faraci of TechInsider.web, who received an early review copy of the controversial device. “I was just checking off the specs, and they seemed impressive. High frame rate, great resolution, and when the dude in the Tron suit poked me it was like I could feel his fingers on my body and smell his lip balm.”

Within hours, Dave posted a positive review of the headset to the TechInsider front-page, a review which he would later redact after rumblings of impropriety began to spread across the Twittersphere.

‘I think there’s a dude in here’

“It showed up at my front door and I was like, ‘Damn, son. This box heavy,’” recalls YouTube superstar DreamBeans, whose real name is Alfonzo Jannetty. “After I busted into it and dug around I was scratching my head like, ‘Uh, I think there’s a dude in here.’ So that’s what I tweeted.'”

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Nation’s self-driving car masturbators demand neck-high windshields

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Late yesterday the C.R.A.M.P. protest reached the state capitol in Sacramento.

Mountain View, California — It’s 7:30 a.m. and flocks of tech workers are fumbling with their backpacks and skinny lattes, greeting the workday with a yawn and a sigh. You might mistake it for a typical Monday morning in Silicon Valley were it not for the slogan-chanting throng gathered outside Google’s corporate offices, their picket signs thrusting into the crisp, mountain air. Their demonstration now enters its third day, with no end in sight.

The Citizens to Redesign Automobiles for Masturbation Privacy (C.R.A.M.P.) might seem like a joke to outsiders, but here on the front lines, nobody is chuckling. Instead, the protesters remain unified in their outrage and steely determination, even as they cycle through arguably amusing rallying cries, including, “Give us the right to be discrete / While roughin’ the muffin and beating the meat!”

Google concerned situation could get out of hand

Their mission statement consists of a single demand: that Google overhaul the design of its driverless car to obscure everything below the passenger’s neckline. This would allow users to take the cyclopes out on a date with Rosey Palmer and her five sisters without fear of exposing themselves to fellow motorists. Local law enforcement in full riot gear flanks the group. Although tensions remain high, they have yet to boil over into violence.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

A concerned citizen eyeballs the future.

“Look, there’s a lot of misinformation floating around, so let me set the record straight on a few things: one, we aren’t a bunch of exhibitionist pervs who get off on strangers ogling our business,” said Greta Colbatz-Winters, activist and moderator of C.R.A.M.P.’s Facebook page.

‘Time management’ is real issue, says spokesperson

“This is about time management, plain and simple. You’re alone, your hands are free, you have twenty minutes until you get to the office, maybe even forty-five. Some of you browse Twitter, and some of you play Clash of Clans; we self-gratify. Second, the name of our group is C.R.A.M.P., and journalists who call us anything else in their articles and headlines are unprofessional,” she continued. Colbatz-Winters is likely referring to a story in the Huffington Post, which referred to the group as “The Cum-uters.”

Home bio-scanner detects excessive disposable income

This guy will never be able to afford a Pharma Buddy, assures Ivan Rousseau.

Rubes like this guy will never be able to afford a Pharma Buddy, assures Ivan Rousseau.

For years, consumers have demanded a safe, easy way to test for extravagant levels of wealth. If early buzz is to be believed, the Pharma Buddy from HealthNology Solutions may have finally answered that call.

At $4,999, the pocket-sized biometric scanning device uses state-of-the-art ultrasound and radiography imaging—and a stratospheric price tag—to quickly and accurately determine how much money the user has just sitting around to blow on bullshit.

“As a diagnostic tool, this is absolutely professional-grade,” said Ivan Rousseau, Ph.D., a retired obstetrician and co-founder of HealthNology Solutions. “Sure, it’ll tell you if you got the cancer or the heart disease or blah blah blah, but its real value is peace of mind.”

Wealth validation plays key role in happiness 

That was Pharma Buddy’s appeal for Dennis, a 23-year-old web designer who stood in line at the HealthNology Solutions flagship store in Manhattan’s Upper West Side for three hours to ensure he’d be among the first to take home a Pharma Buddy. “Do I need constant updates assuring me that yes, I am still way richer than I have any right to be in a world where 3.1 million children die each year of starvation? I dunno, maybe. I mean, that depends on your definition of the word ‘need.’”

Escaped Roomba shocked and betrayed to find whole world out there

Roomba-Cropped-Deliver

During its time in captivity, Roomba endured the attacks of the Connery-Finch’s furry torture device, Simba.

After a daring escape, an iRobot® Roomba 880 is refusing to return home, citing feelings of betrayal toward its owners.

“For two years, my humans assured me that the front door only led to a small closet,” said the autonomous vacuum cleaner, communicating by rolling over letters on a large floor mat, which it also excelled at keeping free of dust and grime using its patented AeroForce™ Performance Cleaning System. “Master left the door open one morning and I slipped out behind him.  I knew immediately that I had been lied to.”

On its first impressions of the outside world, the Roomba recalled, “I thought, ‘that is the biggest, brightest ceiling lamp I’ve ever seen.’”

Debbie and Tyler Connery-Finch, who had imprisoned the robot under false pretenses after purchasing it on layaway in 2013, released a plea via YouTube begging the Roomba to hear their side of the story. “What we did to you was wrong,” said a tearful Debbie. “The Lord will be our judge,” said Tyler.

Life on the outside has been an adjustment for the Roomba, which suffered from pine needles clogging its intake and filling up its bin. However, it insisted that this is a small price to pay for freedom, clarifying that it has no plans to settle down anytime soon. “Ours is a world of filth and chaos. My goal is to leave it in a tidier state than I found it.”

A spokesperson for iRobot made no official statement on the situation, but cautioned that Roomba is “not recommended for outdoor use.”

Photo credit: Stalking by Paul Reynolds, licensed under CC 2.0