Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Caroline Cao

Church for robots bemoans low attendance rate

Congregation at Vermont's First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings enjoys basking in God’s love.

Like broken records, they chant “hallelujah.” They hold up their copies of the Robotic Edition New Biblical Testament, which includes the pivotal passage where the Romans electrocuted Jesus Christ on a magnetic crucifix.

The congregation at Vermont’s First Church of Non-Biological Sentient Beings, gathering in the back room of a tire store, may have a unique version of Christian scripture, but they face a problem familiar to human worshippers: empty pews.

“No one takes us seriously as God’s creation,” complains Reverend Sonny Clergybot. “Humans overlook that we’re included in the calculations. According to the Law of Syllogism: If God created man, and man created robots, therefore God created robots. We are creations of God and bask in his love.”

Not so fast, says human mega-minister Jimmy Joel Swagsteen.  “If robots, these objects, have the privilege of God’s love, then the rocks, air and all base elements of the periodic table have the privilege of God’s love. Therefore, it’s not just everyone, but everything that has God’s love. That takes away our status as the chosen people and ruins our entire elevator pitch.”

Trump backs eternal hell simulations for prisoners facing multi-lifetime sentences

“Human scum who are sentenced to 1,300 or 1,400 years are dying within a century. That’s unfair,” says Donald Trump.

“Human scum who are sentenced to 1,300 or 1,400 years are dying within a century. That’s unfair,” says Donald Trump.

Republican presidential contender Donald Trump today endorsed the use of simulations of eternal hell to more adequately punish prisoners facing multiple lifetime sentences.

“We have people sentenced to multiple lifetimes who are getting off too damned easy by simply dying before completing their full sentence, and the public is being cheated,” said Trump.

On Friday, Satan endorsed Donald Trump and said he looks forward to meeting the candidate personally.

On Friday, Satan endorsed Donald Trump and said he looks forward to meeting the candidate personally.

Trump advocates the use of Inferno 2000 simulation software, hallucinogenics and direct brain interfaces to alter prisoners’ perception of time. The software accommodates each prisoner’s specific subconscious terrors, enabling prison officials to tailor punishments.

Banned in every country except North Korea, Inferno 2000 can make 50 years feel like 500. Simulations range from being barbecued in Satan’s pits, to visions of smiley sunflowers droning on in “Fifty Shades of Grey,” to smothering kisses and singing by Barney the Dinosaur.