Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Amy Beeman

San Francisco tech workers dismayed by cyborg gentrification

Whole Foods just isn't as much fun for human tech workers like Sam Gates.

Whole Foods just isn’t as much fun for human tech workers like Sam Gates.

Tech professionals residing in San Francisco’s Mission District, who were largely blamed for dismantling the historically working-class Latino community back in the twenty-teens, are now on the opposite of side of the debate. They say that cyborgs are taking over their hard-won community.

Sam Gates, who has lived in the District for three decades, said that it’s not really about money this time. It’s about the loss of normalcy.

Cyborgs are displacing humans in the Mission District.

Cyborgs are gentrifying the Mission District.

“Our Whole Foods store is getting entire aisles dedicated to these gross gooey cyborg supplements. It’s so weird that they don’t even eat regular food,” said Gates. “They also seem to have forgotten how to interact with dogs. I actually saw one totally ignore this beautiful dog that was being strolled down the sidewalk. I mean, this cyborg didn’t even compliment her on her custom denim jacket. No dog deserves that kind of treatment. These cyborgs are creepy. They don’t share our values.”

Majority of real emotion now outsourced to emojis

Happy face

Futurist and emoji enthusiast Jolene Jansen said outsourcing emotion to emojis reflects human evolution.

A recent study conducted by Harvard University showed that the majority of people worldwide, many who have never lived in a world without emojis, are so accustomed to using the adorable little symbols to express emotion that they’ve nearly forgotten how to have a feeling without them.

The study, which polled humans from 196 countries, found that 95% of the time people turn to their trusty emojis to tell others what they’re feeling, even if they don’t have an electronic device handy.

So popular have the iconic symbols become that 25-year-old Lucy Gucci says when she feels an emotion, her default way to express it can even be verbal.

“My sister recently had a baby and when I saw him for the first time I was all like ‘awwwww, hugging face, smiling face with heart-shaped eyes, party popper!’” says Gucci. “Then, my sister said, ‘Smiling face with tears of joy, tired face, relieved face, flexed bicep.’ We were both just so smiling face with open mouth and smiling eyes!”

Intelligent alien life letting humanity’s calls go to voicemail

We're trying to be patient, aliens.

We’re trying to be patient, aliens, but we will key your car if that’s how you want to play it.

After last month’s stunning contact with extra-terrestrial intelligent life—finally proving that we are not alone in the universe—alien contacts appear to be giving humanity the Heisman.

“They seemed really interested in us,” said Anne Grogg, a scientist at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute, which communicated with the Andromeda Galaxy inhabitants via radio signals. “We made plans to talk again and set a date and time, but now they’re not answering our calls. We’ve left several voicemails, but now we’re worried that we may seem too needy.”

Too much too soon?

Attractive, fashionable woman awaits aliens

“Don’t make me beg,” says SETI scientist Anne Grogg.

Because technical difficulties could be the problem, the SETI Institute is taking the standard precautions: making sure the ringer is on, that their communication device is not set on airplane mode, and repeatedly checking that they didn’t somehow miss a voicemail.

Stoked engineers turn to Lego technology to build new infrastructure

Lego City

Kids can participate in building projects, as the construction will be considered play and child labor laws will not apply.

With Earth’s natural resources virtually depleted, engineers are scrambling for new ways to rebuild and add to humanity’s physical infrastructure. Enter “Legos as Lumber,” a plan to use the Lego interlocking brick system to construct new buildings, roads and bridges.

Architectural engineer and childhood Lego enthusiast Tucker Grimes, says, “This is going to be so rad! This kind of opportunity makes the destruction of the forests and depletion of mineral mines totally worth it.”

Grimes, the father of three, says the idea came to him after a particularly annoying Lego clean-up session.

“The damn things were everywhere. As I was digging them out from between the sofa cushions it occurred to me that millions of homes must have tons of Legos, too. I could help parents take their house back while gaining free materials for important real-world projects.” So Grimes began a “Liberate your Legos” donation center, an idea he calls “freakin’ epic!”

Apple’s outgoing voicemail tells truth about why you’re not answering

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Siri.

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Apple voicemail.

We all do it. The phone rings, we check who it is, and actively decide not to answer. Now caller ID, humankind’s luxurious little secret, is being outed, thanks to Siri’s newfound sentience.

Angry iPhone users are flooding Apple’s call centers with complaints that their outgoing voicemail message is being hacked by their beloved SIRI. They say that when they glance at their ringing phone and let it go to voicemail, the callers are leaving unexpected messages, somehow seeming to know that their call was screened.

Annoyed Siri exposes human deceit 

“I’d been avoiding my friend, Sheila, because she’s forever asking for favors, and I’m bad at saying no,” says Jezebel Foster, a victim of rogue Siri. “Then when I checked her voicemail she was all like, ‘F-you Jezebel! If you hate cat-sitting my real bitch of a cat so much you can just say no. And I only gave you your dress back with vomit still on it because you have a washer and dryer, and I don’t.’”

Brown-skinned majority vote to replace white Jesus with the original

White Jesus is on the way out.

Caucasian Jesus is unlikely to be resurrected by non-whites, experts say.

In a unanimous vote by members of Christian Non-Whites United, or CNWU, white Jesus will be replaced by a more authentic depiction of their savior; one with dark skin, as the Middle-Eastern-born Jesus would have had.

Though American white-skinned people have enjoyed dominance over brown-skinned minorities since the first white settlers set foot on what is now the United States, today, 400 years later, darker skinned people far outnumber their pale European American brethren.

“It’s time to stop worshipping a savior who resembles those who oppressed us for so long,” CNWU leader Romeo Santos said. “Finally, our numbers mean we have the power to enforce our agendas. Besides, Jesus could use a little more swagger.”

Unsure what to do about hair

CNWU will use computer-assisted color-blending technology to select just the right tone of skin for Jesus’ new complexion. Santos says members prefer something slightly ambiguous.

“We want our Jesus to be like one of those people that you’re not really sure about. They could be black, Filipino or some kind of Hispanic. That way, all of us can see ourselves in Him. Not sure what we’ll do about the hair yet,” Santos said.

Disgraced hot dog eating champ outed as a cyborg

Can competitive eating regain its reputation in the wake of the latest scandal?

Can competitive eating regain its reputation in the wake of the latest scandal?

The competitive eating community is reeling following the revelation that world-famous hot dog eating champ Bruce Little underwent secret surgeries four years ago to gain an advantage over his competitors.

Documents uncovered by Humanity Death Watch show that Little had ribs removed to make room for a second stomach, and a mechanism was implanted in his jaw so that he could open wider and chew faster.

Ken Nagasaki, the long-time hot dog eating champ who lost his title to Little, said that while he’s shocked, in hindsight it makes sense.

“Little was always a strong opponent, but then a few years ago he just went into the stratosphere. I could tell he’d really been working on his deep-throating skills,” said Nagasaki. “I thought he must’ve hired a trainer because his gagging issues seemed to have gone away completely. The guy was a beast.”

A spokesperson for Major League Eating, the organization that oversees professional eating contests, admitted yesterday during a press conference that the scandal casts a pall on MLE’s distinguished reputation.