Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Amy Beeman

Childhood officially extended to age 35

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. America is better off without my generation voting just yet,” said 34-year-old Kevin Crossways.

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. I can’t be trusted,” said 32-year-old Kevin Crossways.

Congress passed a bill yesterday to extend childhood and delay certain adult rights and responsibilities until children are 35 years old.

The Adult Avoidance Act gained unprecedented support nationwide from constituents across political ideologies, especially those under 35 years of age. The bill was introduced last year in reaction to the new lifespan that humans now enjoy thanks to transhumanists’ life-extending breakthroughs. People are now living youthfully well into their late 100s.

The biggest changes to responsibilities and rights deal with voting and buying alcohol.

‘I never felt like a grown-up anyway’

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

The bill drafters said taking away voting rights was prudent because voting is a big responsibility that the “barista generation” can’t fully grasp. Alcohol is also now forbidden even for children 21 and over because the bill writers cite that scoring booze illegally is a “time-honored, character-building right of passage. It’s the American way,” said Rep. Jenna Bush Hager.

Sarah Greyson, 28, says she’s thrilled to quit her job and move back to her parent’s home to pick up where she left off when she was 11.

Uber-seniors’ crotchetiness still due to how stupid everyone else is

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being stupid.

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being morons.

Advanced medical technologies have extended human lifespans by decades, with some of the oldest people living into their 140s, so far. But while their bodies are remaining disease-free, strong and healthy, their attitudes have not fared as well, baffling the medical community.

Gerontologist Dr. Lucinda Quilt says that the grumpy demeanors of today’s uber-seniors are unexpected because until now, the explanation for their crotchety behavior focused on diminished mental faculties and because they often felt poorly.

Now, we are learning that the old-age stereotype of unfiltered cantankerousness is actually just a result of not caring about other people’s feelings and a general disdain for individuals who dare to cross their paths.

“It’s an unexpected phenomenon,” says Doctor Quilt, “made worse because modern medicine is keeping their minds sharp, and they actually have so much life experience that when they vocalize their negativity, you can’t help wonder if they’re right.”

Wine shortages the last straw for climate change deniers

Climate EmergencyRising seas that made Miami uninhabitable didn’t phase them. Sweeping food crises that claimed the lives of 4 million people, they explained away. Even super hurricanes that annually bash the Northeast coast of the U.S. haven’t been enough to convince climate change deniers that humanity’s actions have any effect on the climate.

But these deniers are sheepishly admitting, finally, that they may have been mistaken, now that the effects of the climate change are hitting them where it hurts. Wine shortages.

The wine shortage finally validated climate change for Irma and Frank Dealey.

The wine shortage finally convinced climate change skeptics Irma and Frank Dealey.

California’s Napa Valley, Italy’s Chianti Valley and France’s Bordeaux Region are just a few of the wine producing regions that are no longer able to sustain and grow quality grapevines due to sustained altered weather conditions. Wine production has seen a 60 percent decrease across the globe in just the last five years.

“Running out of wine is simply unacceptable,” says New York socialite Suzie Small. “This will not do. While it’s still hard for me to accept that I should consider giving up my private jet and fly—ugh, it’s hard to even say it—commercial, I’m the kind of person who is willing to make sacrifices for the greater good. But honestly, I don’t deserve this.”

Father’s Day officially changed to annual BJ Day

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Thanks to the ‘Keeping it Real’ movement that’s been gaining traction over the last few years, Father’s Day has officially been renamed Annual BJ Day.

Fathers across America are rejoicing in finally getting a day that’s really about what they want, and men who have yet to become fathers say the new holiday gives them new incentive to take on that responsibility.

HappyDayJacob Dill, father and member of the Keeping it Real movement, explains, “We’re tired of whitewashed politically correct holidays. The Cleavers are long gone, and the Huxtables turned out to be a big lie,” he said. “Besides, dads can buy their own ties and fishing tackle. We cannot, however, give ourselves blowjobs.”

In the vein of Keeping it Real, many men say that once their kids were born much of their sex lives with their baby-mamas went into a steep decline. The Father’s Day blowjob is something they look forward to all year.

Regretful recipient of bionic eyes can’t unsee

Giorgi - Shocked

“I can’t go to Walmart anymore. Geez, the things you see there,” says Robby Hendrix.

It sounded like a good idea, at least to Robby Hendrix, the first volunteer to exchange his normal, healthy eyes for bionic ones that promised to give him x-ray vision, look in two different directions at once, and even as far away as 10 miles.

But Hendrix says he now regrets his decision, and he wants to warn others with healthy optics to keep their natural eyes. Sometimes nature knows best, he says.

Rebecca Penn’s ocular implant left her feeling even more disgusted by her family.

“The problem is that you can’t control it,” Hendrix says. “Lots of guys wish they had x-ray vision so they could check out the knockers on the hot waitress, but I see everybody naked now. Including my parents and grandparents. I’ve started to avoid family functions. It’s terrible.”

Bird of prey and her captured drone embroiled in controversial romance

This falcon and its drone bitch are expecting, a disturbing trend for species traditionalists.

Part of a trend? This falcon and its bitch drone are expecting, a disturbing prospect for species traditionalists.

With the issue of human and robot marriage slated to become the next big civil rights issue, a Dutch eagle and her captured drone are proving that a biological creature and a machine can live together in harmony.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said raptor keeper Adam Aaltink. “Our eagle, Anouk, brought the drone back to her nest and instead of tearing it apart she snuggled close and draped a wing and leg over the drone, like she was spooning it. The drone looked perfectly content to be there. Eagles mate for life, so the chemistry must’ve been undeniable.”

The bird first snatched the DJI Phantom 4 Drone out of the air during a routine test, but Anouk didn’t come back for hours, prompting her trainer to send a drone to search for the missing bird and her captive.

What that drone found shocked the raptor training community while eliciting an outcry from those in opposition to human-robot romances, who say that even animal-robot relationships are morally wrong despite animals’ and robots’ inability to comprehend the human idea of morality.

Black hole explorers solve mystery of missing socks

Black hole for socksOne of the most perplexing and maddening mysteries in human history is solved. Plucky explorers from Blue Origin, the aerospace company started by Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, have recovered trillions of socks from the first black hole ever entered by humans.

The pioneering astronauts who made the discovery, Jim Jason and Carla Ferrari, said at their re-entry press conference that they expected black hole exploration to shed light on countless mysteries. But the idea that a black hole might contain the world’s missing socks never occurred to them.

“We thought some kind of vortex could be involved with black holes—that we could find the doors to time travel or parallel universes,” said Ferrari. “And while we found that it is indeed a vortex, we were surprised to find that black holes are connected to billions of invisible wormholes inside people’s homes. These wormholes seem to suck solitary socks into the mother—the black hole. Why the black hole wants or needs socks, and why only one from each set, is the new mystery.”