Humanity Death Watch

Author Archive for Deus McCoy

Deus McCoy is the founder, editor and a writer for Humanity Death Watch.

First mobile device for couples turns heads

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Wearables maker Jawbone unveiled on Thursday the world’s first Web-enabled mobile device for couples. It goes on sale next week.

Named “HeadsUp,” the device encourages face-to-face communication and stronger relationships by making mobile computing a couple’s activity. Product developer Lisa Twitch said the device was inspired by a former boyfriend who incessantly checked his phone instead of looking at her and working on their relationship.

Woman can’t keep hands off Web-enabled boyfriend

Emma Madison and boyfriend Liam Howard tested the forehead-mounted mobile solution for a month.

Both say they love the device, which affixes with 3M VHB™ acrylic double-sided mounting tape. “It’s addictive,” said Madison. “I can talk with Liam while doing something useful like checking email or updating my Facebook page.”

Rich prefer golf to immortality

Augusta Amen Corner

Signposts on the road of life

A study commissioned by the Caucasian Republicans for Advanced Patronage reveals the rich would rather play golf than live forever.
Say amen if you're rich

Say amen if you’re rich.

Funded by Rolex and Callaway Golf, the survey of 4,283 people from 49 states indicated that more than 70% of wealthy males and up to 41% of their first-through-third wives value time at their country club links more than anything in life, including life itself.

“The t-shirt that says ‘golf is life’ nailed it,” said one study participant. “Give me 18 holes of subpar golf over eternal life any day.”

Ranks higher than Illuminati membership

“Anybody can be immortal these days; just get your brain uploaded to the cloud,” said researcher Ty Webb. “But every round of golf is finite and uncertain. Golf reflects humanity’s most important challenges and the everlasting superiority of the rich.”

Obama fast-tracks death panels to meet pre-election demand

Death panel

Despite their ominous appearance, death panels are getting high marks for friendliness.

On Thursday, President Barack Obama finally got the bipartisan cooperation he sought for seven years as Congress authorized death panels to hear requests from citizens eager to have their life-saving medications withheld.
President Obama was attentive to voter demands for death panels.

“I hear you,  America.”

Signed into law in a morning Rose Garden ceremony, the so-called “Just Kill Me Now” legislation immediately went into effect. By late afternoon, the first applicant had met with a death panel in Cleveland, Ohio.

‘Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8’

“It’s such a relief to be denied my medication,” said Mary Schnegel, 91, whose mucopolysaccharidosis II requires drugs costing more than $300,000 annually. “Despite my scratch golf and active social life, I’m really suffering. Now I can die with dignity, preferably before November 8.”

Off the record, numerous citizens admitted their pleas for dignified deaths were a sham. “We just don’t want to live in a country where Hillary or the Donald is president,” confessed one 89-year-old-man. “At our age, dying is easier and less expensive than moving out of the country.”

Clinton reveals sex fantasies that drove her campaign

Hillary

President Clinton says her fantasies have migrated from salacious sex to bloodthirsty revenge.

During the darkest days of the 2016 presidential campaign, it was fantasies of nasty sex in the White House with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that kept Hillary Clinton fighting to win.
Canadian hottie Justin Trudeau

Will sparks fly when this Canadian hottie visits Washington?

“The pressures you face as a candidate are insane,” said the 45th president of the United States, appearing on the Ellen TV show. “The only way to survive is to have a great team and a rich fantasy life. Of course, I know that some fantasies shouldn’t be acted out.”

On Thursday, Clinton shared her Trudeau fantasies and other whimsies with Ellen DeGeneres and her audience. Clinton called her “Lewinsky payback” fantasy “predictable” but said her fantasy of a Supreme Court orgy on Air Force One had flair. “It had me playing the Slim Pickens role in Dr. Strangelove, with Clarence Thomas as the nuclear bomb, and me having a ‘wargasm’ all over Kim Jong-un.”

Feds hope to soothe angry voters with cute cat videos

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Stressed about the election? Relax and watch a cat video.

Calling the U.S. presidential primaries a national mental health emergency, Surgeon General Howard Fine today commissioned 120 cat videos to help calm voters.
Angry and confused, Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between Thurston Howell III and Joe McCarthy.

Republican voter Jack Torrance is undecided between candidates Thurston Howell III and Joseph McCarthy.

The move comes as candidate rhetoric inflames an electorate outraged by high employment, a strong economy and more affordable health care.

Lame duck President Joe Bauers defended the Surgeon General’s decision as a sound investment aligned with American values and intellect. “Cat videos funny. Make people happy,” said Bauers.

Brawndo to sponsor cat videos

Brawndo logo

Cat videos are generously underwritten by Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator.

Legendary Jackass movie producer Jeff Tremaine will make the majority of the videos, while Spike Lee will produce a dozen or so videos featuring black cats exclusively. Mexican film director Alejandro G. Iñárritu has been tapped to produce several cat allegories featuring humans dressed as cats.

Valentine’s shocker: Technology shifts age at which women prefer dogs to husbands

Valentine'sDog

Watch your back, guys. The family dog could be gaining on you. Some scientists believe that women’s growing passion for animal companions will force men further into the shadows.

Simon Cone remembers the days when his wife Haley would light up when he walked into the room. These days when a smile and loving look appear on his wife’s face, Cone knows the cause is Sporty, the couple’s canine companion.

New research shows that Cone’s experience is becoming more common, as women increasingly prefer canine companions to husbands. “By age 43, about 72 percent of married women say they derive more joy from the family dog than their husband,” says Dr. Ima Pepper, sociologist and author of “The Future Is in My Head.” As late as 2005, men ranked higher than the family pet all the way until their late 60s.

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say

Fur and shorter life spans would make men more appealing, researchers say.

“What’s interesting is the link to technology, because women’s preference for dogs seems to move in lockstep with technology becoming simpler and easier to use,” adds Pepper.

Simpler technology changes social contract

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates says he foresaw the link between technological complexity and male significance in society. “Do you really think all those missing .dll files, print spool errors and volume label syntax errors were mistakes? Microsoft gave men something to do that women perceived they needed. Unlike the user-pandering communists at a company let’s just call ‘Apple,’ we helped maintain the social contract that identifies women as users and men as network administrators.”

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Women have stopped pretending to be grossed out by slobbering doggy kisses.

Pepper sees more trouble ahead for men. “If you think things are bad now with women anthropomorphizing dogs, just wait until that cute-as-a-button family robot shows up,” she said. “Men desperately need a new, barely functioning technology they can use to demonstrate their usefulness.”

‘Moore’s law’ inspires Berkeley man to best sex ever

Ref talks smack with Tiffany Johnson before their historic encounter.

Ref Sanchez used to think linearly about sex before learning about Moore’s law.

A neuroscience grad student at the University of California at Berkeley is recovering at a local hospital after diverting the world’s largest computer grid to amplify the intensity of his sexual experience with super-hot girlfriend Tiffany Johnson.

Doctors say Refugio (Ref) Sanchez, 24, remains dazed and unable to speak but otherwise appears unharmed by the experience. “He’s a very lucky young man,” said Dr. Drake Ramoray. “Tiffany is super hot, and everyone here … well, almost everyone … can totally understand why he did it.”

For approximately seven seconds, thousands of computers devoted to the UC Berkeley SETI@home project were redirected to the pleasure center of Sanchez’s brain. The result was a 9.9 reading on the moment magnitude scale the U.S. Geological Survey uses to measure sexual energy.

Orgasm dedicated to Intel co-founder

Gordon Moore

Gordon Moore said something about transistors in a dense integrated circuit that everyone interprets however they want.

Berkeley police officers searching Sanchez’s apartment found a note saying that Sanchez was dedicating his monumental orgasm to Intel co-founder Gordon Moore. “It was Moore’s observation that caused people to rethink the growth path of computing,” said detective John Anderton. “When he grasped Moore’s law, Mr. Sanchez stopped thinking linearly about his sex life and began seeking exponential improvements with Ms. Johnson.”

Math major Tiffany Johnson loves her boyfriend's sense of adventure.

Tiffany Johnson is being compared to Ralph Branca and Helen of Troy.

For her part, Johnson said she was “pretty juiced” about making sexual history. “Ref may be remembered as the guy who hit the home run, but somebody had to throw the pitch,” said the 21-year-old math major and baseball fan from Sacramento.