Humanity Death Watch

Depressed nation seeks new outlet for hatred

Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.

Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.

Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.

“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”

Mimes fear they could be next.

They could be next.

Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”

Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”

Too wrapped up in hate to vote

Americans will need time to get their hate mojo on again.

Americans will need time to get their hate mojo on again, says CDC’s Tom Frieden.

Neither Johns nor Rodriguez voted in the election. “I thought about voting but got so wrapped up in those great Randy Rainbow videos that I just forgot,” said Rodriguez. “It was never about winning the election,” admits Johns. “It was the rush of hearing Mr. Trump express every hateful idea I’ve ever had.”

Frieden asked Americans to be patient with each other. “We need to step back as a nation and give ourselves time to hate again. As long as we have foreigners, feminists, black people, rich white men, the poor, soccer and mimes, I’m confident we can regain our mojo.”

Still, Frieden was realistic. “It was an extraordinary election, and some of us may never experience anything like it again. At least we can hope.”

Photo credits: Debate by Bill B and Le Mime by Jan Lewandowski, Zika, the Olympics, and Global Health Security by New America, licensed under CC 2.0

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