Humanity Death Watch

New horrific Trump video distracts voters from previous one

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Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.

A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.

“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.

“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”

Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”

A tweet from Donald Trump acknowledged the video and said, “Video is out. No big deal. Still 100% committed. Never give up! I won’t. Elect me, and I’ll LOCK HER UP!”

Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Chris Christie said they still support the Republican nominee but all refused to say his name aloud. House Speaker Paul Ryan resigned his congressional post to join SpaceX to pursue his dream of being one of the first 100 earth citizens to colonize Mars.

Kellyanne Conway said she expected fallout from today’s video to subside within days. “We need to get back to the real issue, which is Hillary Clinton using a private email server when she was secretary of state. America is outraged, and they won’t stand for it.”

She refused to confirm that Donald Trump has commanded armed NRA members to peacefully occupy government offices and election polling places prior to the November 8 election. “Listen, we’re all terrified of rampant election fraud in this country. If Mr. Trump requested such an action to take place on November 7 at 2 p.m.—and I’m not saying he did—it would only be because of his love for America and desire for fair elections.”

Photo credit: Big Orange Zombie Eating Brains by DonkeyHotey, licensed under CC 2.0

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