Feeling the post-election blues? You’re not alone. Millions of Americans are missing their amped-up hatred of the candidates.
Mental health professionals are concerned about a nationwide malaise sparked by the end of the 2016 presidential campaign.
“Voters said they couldn’t wait for the election to be over, but the reality is that people desperately miss despising Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To heal, Americans need a new focus for the hatred they felt for the candidates.”
They could be next.
Trump supporter and Sunday school teacher Sylvia Johns says she’s felt hollow since the election. “My life revolved around hating Hillary Clinton. I couldn’t wait to wake up each morning and trash that lying traitor bitch on Facebook. I felt alive.”
Clinton backer and humanist Jorge Rodriguez admits to abusing alcohol since the election. “It’s hard to replace my loathing for Donald Trump. For 18 months, each new idiotic thing he said sent shivers of disgust down my spine. It was wonderful. Now I just feel numb.”
Insiders speculate that Trump ate the brain of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in 2012. Decorum prevents us from showing actual video footage or still images.
A video released by the Donald Trump campaign showing the Republican nominee eating zombie brains in 2012 is successfully distracting voters from a 2005 video in which he bragged about groping women.
“We’re just trying to get the worst out there quickly so that voters have a chance to digest and forget some regrettable decisions made by the candidate,” said Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway.
“I’ve seen a lot worse in snuff films,” said Trump supporter Rex Matson. “This is a smart PR move. While the video could bother some voters, the idea of crooked Hillary in the American White House is too hideous to even contemplate.”
Trump running mate Mike Pence said he feels more strongly than ever that Donald Trump is right for America. “He’s a man of strong passions, which is what America needs. He’s capable of anything.”
“I’m just so full of ideas, man. If I don’t create, I die,” said the aspen.
Citing a desire not to be tied down, the last tree on earth announced Wednesday that it is “not really into the whole ‘tree’ thing.”
The lone survivor of rampant deforestation, the 25-year-old quaking aspen in rural Alberta is, experts confirm, the last living tree of any species still in existence. When approached for comment, however, the tree groaned mightily and launched into a diatribe against the pressures of “societal norms” and “the man,” a target that came up seventeen times over the course of the interview.
A squirrel close to the tree reported that the aspen has always been self-absorbed.
“What is a tree, even?” the aspen submitted. “A shill for Big Paper? A home for happy little chirpy birds? Is that what you people want? It makes me sick.”
The tree refused to discuss both the rich history of its kind and the sad turn of fate that resulted in its being the last of its line. Instead, it played a mixtape of its spoken word poetry, with pauses between each track for commentary. Its poetry is, according to the tree, “heavily influenced by Finnish folk tales of the 14th century but with a natural progression toward gangster rap of the early ’90s.”