Humanity Death Watch

Great Pacific Garbage Patch to accept Syrian refugees

Opportunity abounds in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Opportunity awaits refugees in the resource-rich Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Human rights groups across the globe are praising the Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP) for committing to open its doors to up to 1.2 million refugees by 2018.

Refugees from Syria and other areas of conflict throughout the Middle East will be welcomed by the Texas-sized conglomeration of suspended debris littering the Pacific Ocean, said Val Plump, GPGP representative. “Our island nation may be a trash vortex, but at the center is a human heart.”

Mixed feelings about garbage island home

Omar Fakhoury of Damascus has mixed feelings about living on an island of garbage. “Of course, it’s demeaning. I’m a real person. I have a college education. I don’t want to live on garbage. But facts are facts, and the fact is that it’s a significantly better option than where I’m currently living. And it’s a much better reception than I’d get anywhere else in the world right now.”

Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.

Refugees shed tears of joy upon arrival.

Fatima Hadad, his next door neighbor, agreed. “I spoke to the emissaries from the GPGP just this afternoon, and I was so impressed. They understood our situation, and they really seemed to have our best interests at heart. But what self-respecting country wouldn’t?”

Some critics have said the GPGP is accepting refugees merely to improve its image. “While we may be the world’s go-to example for greed and human stupidity, there’s no ulterior motive here,” said the GPGP’s Plump. “We’re just doing our part in a bad situation, the same as anyone would.”

Better than ‘fucking Aleppo’

A defensive-sounding United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres responded that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch “isn’t even a real country, so it doesn’t really count, and real countries are doing a lot to help, too!” Upon reflection, he added: “Although now that the GPGP kinda seems to have the whole refugee thing under control, they can probably just handle it from here.”

At press time the first wave of refugees arriving from Aleppo reported “an unexpectedly stable infrastructure and downright impressive living conditions.” But as one refugee said, “I’d be happy anywhere that wasn’t fucking Aleppo.”

Photo credit: Photo: #Syrian #refugee breaks out in tears of joy, arriving on the island of #Kos in #Greece on 15 August by #DanielEtter by Oğuzhan Ali, licensed under CC 2.0



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