Baby boomers, the generation that refuses to mature and stop having disgusting old-person sex, are being undone by their beloved animal companions.
An AARP study confirms that tripping over the family dog or cat is now the leading cause of death among boomers, surpassing deadly erections that last more than four hours. Many boomers fear their animals are tripping them on purpose.
“We joked for years that our little terrier was trying to kill us by getting underfoot,” said boomer Perky Mills. “Then one day I found my husband dead in the kitchen and little Sparky sitting on top of him, acting just a little too gleeful.”
Strung out on Greenies, dogs ‘will do anything’
Last week a Los Angeles doggy daycare center named “Timely Manor” was raided by the FBI, which found material consistent with the idea of animal assassins. “These dogs were definitely being groomed and trained for something,” said Bureau Chief Lewis Erskine Jr. “We can’t yet say for what, why and by whom.”
Donald J. Trump, who recently failed to unseat New York City dog catcher Michael Bloomberg, says he has the answers. “Follow the money. Our slacker kids are frustrated that cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer’s have all been cured and that we’re not dying. That means no inheritance for them.”
Trump speculates that adult children are getting their parents’ dogs hooked on Greenies™ dental chews (street name “doggy coke”) brought into the U.S. by Mexican drug cartels. “Dogs will do anything for Greenies, anything,” said Trump. “For the right quantity—usually one will do it—a dog will gladly trip its human companion, lick him into unconsciousness and sit on his face until he suffocates.”
Felines enjoy Greenies but don’t need the incentive to kill, added Trump. “Cats do it for fun, just to watch you die,” he said.
“Once again, Donald Trump is saying what we’re all thinking,” said Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. “Until we get to the bottom of this, I’d recommend my senior viewers use a walker, carry a loaded gun and remain paranoid.”
In after-hours trading, shares in firearms companies and Mars Inc., maker of Greenies, were up more than 120 percent.