Humanity Death Watch

Beauty salon robot achieves 3% decapitation rate


Night terrors haven’t prevented customer Andy Lee from enjoying his quality coiffure.

Shearly U Cutz, a hair salon in Madison, Wisconsin, is attracting nationwide attention with the low, low 3% decapitation rate of its robot stylist.

The Triminator, equipped with 24 pairs of scissors, 18 buzzers and one fine-toothed comb, provides “efficient, accurate styling utterly without human touch,” promises salon owner Bev Flanagan. “And it delivers complete customer satisfaction 97% of the time.”

“Our next 300 slots are already booked,” said Flanagan. “While nine of those customers are going to die a horrible bloody death, that doesn’t seem to be turning anybody off.”

All action, no small talk

Citing the opportunity to avoid making both small talk and eye contact during the hair styling process, Madison residents are flocking to the salon.

Close call

Injuries and fatalities are rare with the Triminator.

“When I came to the salon before, I had to have all these talking points ready,” said Leslie Scrub. “I had to be prepared to discuss the weather, whatever song was on the radio or the latest Game of Thrones episode. It was exhausting. But with the Triminator, all I have to do is close my eyes and hold absolutely, minutely still. It’s a real load off my mind!”

Customer Arnie Lowe traveled from Rockford, Illinois, to experience the Triminator. “Back home the best you can get is the Slicer,” he said prior to his haircut. “It has a 15% decapitation rate, which I was totally willing to work with to avoid locking eyes in a mirror with at best a casual acquaintance as they massaged mousse into my scalp. So 3% is like a dream!”

While Mr. Lowe’s dream was cut short due to an ill-timed twitch, his family will receive free haircuts for life. “That’s our guarantee,” said Flanagan. “If the Triminator fails to provide a safe and ideal haircut, the customer’s immediate family is entitled to perpetual hair care.”

Photo credits: The Frosted Menace by Matt Selby, and VFS Makeup Design at BCIT Disaster Simulation by Vancouver Film Schoollicensed under CC 2.0

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