Humanity Death Watch

Childhood officially extended to age 35

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. America is better off without my generation voting just yet,” said 34-year-old Kevin Crossways.

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. I can’t be trusted,” said 32-year-old Kevin Crossways.

Congress passed a bill yesterday to extend childhood and delay certain adult rights and responsibilities until children are 35 years old.

The Adult Avoidance Act gained unprecedented support nationwide from constituents across political ideologies, especially those under 35 years of age. The bill was introduced last year in reaction to the new lifespan that humans now enjoy thanks to transhumanists’ life-extending breakthroughs. People are now living youthfully well into their late 100s.

The biggest changes to responsibilities and rights deal with voting and buying alcohol.

‘I never felt like a grown-up anyway’

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

The bill drafters said taking away voting rights was prudent because voting is a big responsibility that the “barista generation” can’t fully grasp. Alcohol is also now forbidden even for children 21 and over because the bill writers cite that scoring booze illegally is a “time-honored, character-building right of passage. It’s the American way,” said Rep. Jenna Bush Hager.

Sarah Greyson, 28, says she’s thrilled to quit her job and move back to her parent’s home to pick up where she left off when she was 11.

“I never felt like a grown-up anyway,” said Greyson. “Now it’s acceptable for me to put all my Justin Timberlake posters back up and sleep with my stuffed animal friends. Plus, it’s not as weird that I’m still a virgin.”

Sixteen-year-old Dawson Leek says he feels like he got a “get out of jail free card.”

“Oh, man. My dad’s been going on about ‘how are you going to get into college by playing video games all the time? Get a job. It’s about time you contributed around here. Blah, blah, blah,’ Now I’m only half way through childhood, so my parents are going to have to adjust their expectations. This is going to be rad!”

Parents of children under 35 years old are threatening a class-action lawsuit designed to overturn the legislation. “It’s just not fair,” said California Governor Kato Kaelin. “Adulthood isn’t something that can be avoided. Our young people need to have higher ambitions than being live-in pool boys and reality TV stars.”

Photo credits: Anime Friends – 2013(Estúdio – 2° week) – Part 1 by Ricardo and Day 25 Independence Day by Kevin Bond, licensed under CC 2,0

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