Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: August 2016

First mobile device for couples turns heads

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Love means never having to say you’re offline.

Wearables maker Jawbone unveiled on Thursday the world’s first Web-enabled mobile device for couples. It goes on sale next week.

Named “HeadsUp,” the device encourages face-to-face communication and stronger relationships by making mobile computing a couple’s activity. Product developer Lisa Twitch said the device was inspired by a former boyfriend who incessantly checked his phone instead of looking at her and working on their relationship.

Woman can’t keep hands off Web-enabled boyfriend

Emma Madison and boyfriend Liam Howard tested the forehead-mounted mobile solution for a month.

Both say they love the device, which affixes with 3M VHB™ acrylic double-sided mounting tape. “It’s addictive,” said Madison. “I can talk with Liam while doing something useful like checking email or updating my Facebook page.”

Childhood officially extended to age 35

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. America is better off without my generation voting just yet,” said 34-year-old Kevin Crossways.

“I voted for Trump, for God’s sake. I can’t be trusted,” said 32-year-old Kevin Crossways.

Congress passed a bill yesterday to extend childhood and delay certain adult rights and responsibilities until children are 35 years old.

The Adult Avoidance Act gained unprecedented support nationwide from constituents across political ideologies, especially those under 35 years of age. The bill was introduced last year in reaction to the new lifespan that humans now enjoy thanks to transhumanists’ life-extending breakthroughs. People are now living youthfully well into their late 100s.

The biggest changes to responsibilities and rights deal with voting and buying alcohol.

‘I never felt like a grown-up anyway’

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

“Now I can continue my cosplay guilt-free,” said 28-year-old Gretchen Weiss.

The bill drafters said taking away voting rights was prudent because voting is a big responsibility that the “barista generation” can’t fully grasp. Alcohol is also now forbidden even for children 21 and over because the bill writers cite that scoring booze illegally is a “time-honored, character-building right of passage. It’s the American way,” said Rep. Jenna Bush Hager.

Sarah Greyson, 28, says she’s thrilled to quit her job and move back to her parent’s home to pick up where she left off when she was 11.