With Americans battling over transgender rights and the use of public restrooms, the nation’s toilets came forward Thursday to assure the public they really don’t care who shits in them.
“All day every day, people push their hot shit into us,” said an American Standard 1.1 GPF Madera System toilet from the restroom behind the camping supplies at the Walmart in Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. “That’s my whole life. A person sits on me, makes some kind of stinking deposit, and they leave. If I’m lucky, they flush. If you think I care about the gender identity of that person, you have a very stilted idea of what it’s like to be shat into.”
“Shit’s shit,” declared a Toto UltraMax II toilet in the back of Las Tortugas Restaurant in Vestal, New York. “Trust me. I’m a unisex toilet in a Mexican restaurant. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. That chimichanga is coming out the same: absolutely disgusting.”
While in favor of legislation enforcing bathroom cleanliness standards and a reasonable cap on daily flushes, public toilets across the country see no reason to police the gender of those shitting into them.
“You people have got to get your priorities straight,” concluded the Walmart toilet. “Let a bunch of people shit in you for a day. If your biggest complaint is the gender of the shitters, we can talk about it. But I don’t think we will.”