Advanced medical technologies have extended human lifespans by decades, with some of the oldest people living into their 140s, so far. But while their bodies are remaining disease-free, strong and healthy, their attitudes have not fared as well, baffling the medical community.
Gerontologist Dr. Lucinda Quilt says that the grumpy demeanors of today’s uber-seniors are unexpected because until now, the explanation for their crotchety behavior focused on diminished mental faculties and because they often felt poorly.
Now, we are learning that the old-age stereotype of unfiltered cantankerousness is actually just a result of not caring about other people’s feelings and a general disdain for individuals who dare to cross their paths.
“It’s an unexpected phenomenon,” says Doctor Quilt, “made worse because modern medicine is keeping their minds sharp, and they actually have so much life experience that when they vocalize their negativity, you can’t help wonder if they’re right.”
Hershel Doodle, a 132-year-old retired civil engineer, says that today’s “plastic people” need to “shut the hell up” about his generation’s disposition.
“All you hooligans and your robots and cures for diseases. Everyone thinks life is so great now, but nobody even knows how to change a light bulb anymore. You can have your life on Mars, your gender bending, your Kardashian designer babies, but none of that so-called progress makes any of you less of a nincompoop.”
Doodle’s wife, Betty, expressed a similar sentiment. “Damn frankenpeople these days. Makes me sick. Cyborgs marrying uploaded consciousnesses, meat grown in laboratories—give us back our good old-fashioned grain-fed slaughterhouse ribeyes and then maybe we’ll bite our tongues about how our great-grandson should borrow one of his wife’s bras to control those unsightly man-boobs of his.”
The Council for Uber-Senior Living, appointed to cheer up the new census group, recently dissolved after conceding that they were, in fact, a bunch of useless ninnyhammers with slatternly wives and mollycoddled children.