Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.
Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.
“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”
‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities
Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.
Martin Hammerstein, a Big Oil lobbyist who supported Benton’s creation, praised the candidate’s Lincoln-like speechmaking talents and subservience to special interests of the Bush family. “The big guy is going to take us all the way to the White House,” Hammerstein cackled affectionately.
Benton’s campaign manager is Lee Atwater, who died in 1991. The popular resurrected guitar-slinger expects Benton to hit the ground running and stay ahead of the crowd.
“While some Republicans fear Benton may falter if his pseudo flesh begins to rot, young voters raised on zombie culture could see his decaying corpse as a real incentive to get off their asses and vote,” said Atwater.