Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: July 2016

Nation’s toilets don’t care who shits in them

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

Toilets don’t give a shit about who shits in them.

With Americans battling over transgender rights and the use of public restrooms, the nation’s toilets came forward Thursday to assure the public they really don’t care who shits in them.

“All day every day, people push their hot shit into us,” said an American Standard 1.1 GPF Madera System toilet from the restroom behind the camping supplies at the Walmart in Paul’s Valley, Oklahoma. “That’s my whole life. A person sits on me, makes some kind of stinking deposit, and they leave. If I’m lucky, they flush. If you think I care about the gender identity of that person, you have a very stilted idea of what it’s like to be shat into.”

“Shit’s shit,” declared a Toto UltraMax II toilet in the back of Las Tortugas Restaurant in Vestal, New York. “Trust me. I’m a unisex toilet in a Mexican restaurant. I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman or whatever. That chimichanga is coming out the same: absolutely disgusting.”

Uber-seniors’ crotchetiness still due to how stupid everyone else is

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being stupid.

Uber-seniors practice mindfulness to keep from going off and killing people for being morons.

Advanced medical technologies have extended human lifespans by decades, with some of the oldest people living into their 140s, so far. But while their bodies are remaining disease-free, strong and healthy, their attitudes have not fared as well, baffling the medical community.

Gerontologist Dr. Lucinda Quilt says that the grumpy demeanors of today’s uber-seniors are unexpected because until now, the explanation for their crotchety behavior focused on diminished mental faculties and because they often felt poorly.

Now, we are learning that the old-age stereotype of unfiltered cantankerousness is actually just a result of not caring about other people’s feelings and a general disdain for individuals who dare to cross their paths.

“It’s an unexpected phenomenon,” says Doctor Quilt, “made worse because modern medicine is keeping their minds sharp, and they actually have so much life experience that when they vocalize their negativity, you can’t help wonder if they’re right.”

USB-to-Nose adapter offers fast transfer speeds, looks adorably silly

SinUSB was inspired by “that messed-up scene in Total Recall where Arnold Schwarzenegger yanks a huge tracking device out of his nose, ” said the inventor.

Even as you read this, biotechnology engineers around the world are working tirelessly to close the ever-diminishing gap between man and machine. But while most major players in the field are focusing their resources on embeddable microchips and electrode brainwave scanners, one tiny Ottawa firm sees a different point of entry: the human schnoz.

SinUSB (pronounced “sinus bee”), beta-named Project Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose, features a straightforward design. Simply squirt a few pumps of SniffWare, a proprietary blend of nanobots and conductive fluid, into the nasal cavity. Then, for the next 6 to 8 hours, take any standard USB cable and shove the business end up your honker to start charging and managing your devices on the go.

While cynics write off SinUSB as a gimmick, the specs say otherwise: It boasts incredible transfer speeds of up to 25 GB/sec. Also, it’s super cute and goofy looking.

Trump alternative unearthed in nick of time

Frank-600 x 400-Deliver

Campaign manager Lee Atwater expects Frank Benton to catch fire with voters.

Republican Party insiders working with top scientists have finally dug up a presidential candidate to save America from presumptive nominee Donald Trump.

Funded by the Koch brothers, candidate Frank Benton was handcrafted from Ronald Reagan DNA and Beyond Burger, the popular vegetable-based meat substitute that bleeds red just like a juicy all-American hamburger.

“He’s perfect,” said Iowa voter Buford Werner. “Like Donald Trump, he isn’t part of the Washington machine, has zero experience and can shift positions on the fly. But Benton trumps Trump by having no past whatsoever.”

‘Leans’ white but could pass for multiple ethnicities

Voter acceptance of Benton is defying political pundits who contend his appearance and irrational fear of fire could be red flags. However, Benton’s indistinguishable ethnicity—he can take on the cast of whoever he’s in front of—could also attract minority voters scurrying from galactically reviled Democratic she-devil candidate Hillary Clinton.