On Tuesday, in a fit of extreme boredom, Gabriella Marquez from Wichita, Kansas, became the first person ever to read the entire user agreement for an iPhone. When asked to comment, she replied that “everything [was] mostly hunky dory.”
“So there’s this thing where you have to promise your firstborn to The Reckoning,” Marquez reported. “I looked up The Reckoning in the app store and there’s three different games with that name. None of them look that good, but they’re all only 99 cents, so I guess that’s okay, unless you’re really against your kids playing video games.”
“Oh, also you’re not allowed to walk more than three feet away from the phone, or it sends a really strong electrical current through you. I thought that might be a problem, but I’d already had my phone a month when I read this, and I didn’t get shocked once. I tried it out and oh boy does it work, so I guess I just don’t ever put my phone down. It might be a problem if you’re old or super weird, but normal people don’t really have to worry about it.”
Marquez says these slight hang-ups are outweighed by many positives, including automatic syncing of Facebook pictures with the brain and a free monogrammed subcutaneous GPS tracker.
“The one thing I’m really pissed about is if my phone gets damaged by water, my insurance doesn’t cover it. Water’s like the main reason I got that insurance,” enthused Marquez. “I never would’ve paid extra if I knew that. Just don’t let them trick you into their stupid insurance and you’ll be fine.”
At press time, Marquez was on hold with Apple, trying to get this insurance misunderstanding sorted out.