Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: June 2016

Wine shortages the last straw for climate change deniers

Climate EmergencyRising seas that made Miami uninhabitable didn’t phase them. Sweeping food crises that claimed the lives of 4 million people, they explained away. Even super hurricanes that annually bash the Northeast coast of the U.S. haven’t been enough to convince climate change deniers that humanity’s actions have any effect on the climate.

But these deniers are sheepishly admitting, finally, that they may have been mistaken, now that the effects of the climate change are hitting them where it hurts. Wine shortages.

The wine shortage finally validated climate change for Irma and Frank Dealey.

The wine shortage finally convinced climate change skeptics Irma and Frank Dealey.

California’s Napa Valley, Italy’s Chianti Valley and France’s Bordeaux Region are just a few of the wine producing regions that are no longer able to sustain and grow quality grapevines due to sustained altered weather conditions. Wine production has seen a 60 percent decrease across the globe in just the last five years.

“Running out of wine is simply unacceptable,” says New York socialite Suzie Small. “This will not do. While it’s still hard for me to accept that I should consider giving up my private jet and fly—ugh, it’s hard to even say it—commercial, I’m the kind of person who is willing to make sacrifices for the greater good. But honestly, I don’t deserve this.”

First person to read entire user agreement reports everything mostly hunky dory

Bored woman with apple

With nothing better to do, Marquez read the Apple iPhone user agreement.

On Tuesday, in a fit of extreme boredom, Gabriella Marquez from Wichita, Kansas, became the first person ever to read the entire user agreement for an iPhone. When asked to comment, she replied that “everything [was] mostly hunky dory.”

“So there’s this thing where you have to promise your firstborn to The Reckoning,” Marquez reported. “I looked up The Reckoning in the app store and there’s three different games with that name. None of them look that good, but they’re all only 99 cents, so I guess that’s okay, unless you’re really against your kids playing video games.”

“Oh, also you’re not allowed to walk more than three feet away from the phone, or it sends a really strong electrical current through you. I thought that might be a problem, but I’d already had my phone a month when I read this, and I didn’t get shocked once. I tried it out and oh boy does it work, so I guess I just don’t ever put my phone down. It might be a problem if you’re old or super weird, but normal people don’t really have to worry about it.”

Father’s Day officially changed to annual BJ Day

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Fathers are excited again about their special day.

Thanks to the ‘Keeping it Real’ movement that’s been gaining traction over the last few years, Father’s Day has officially been renamed Annual BJ Day.

Fathers across America are rejoicing in finally getting a day that’s really about what they want, and men who have yet to become fathers say the new holiday gives them new incentive to take on that responsibility.

HappyDayJacob Dill, father and member of the Keeping it Real movement, explains, “We’re tired of whitewashed politically correct holidays. The Cleavers are long gone, and the Huxtables turned out to be a big lie,” he said. “Besides, dads can buy their own ties and fishing tackle. We cannot, however, give ourselves blowjobs.”

In the vein of Keeping it Real, many men say that once their kids were born much of their sex lives with their baby-mamas went into a steep decline. The Father’s Day blowjob is something they look forward to all year.

Regretful recipient of bionic eyes can’t unsee

Giorgi - Shocked

“I can’t go to Walmart anymore. Geez, the things you see there,” says Robby Hendrix.

It sounded like a good idea, at least to Robby Hendrix, the first volunteer to exchange his normal, healthy eyes for bionic ones that promised to give him x-ray vision, look in two different directions at once, and even as far away as 10 miles.

But Hendrix says he now regrets his decision, and he wants to warn others with healthy optics to keep their natural eyes. Sometimes nature knows best, he says.

Rebecca Penn’s ocular implant left her feeling even more disgusted by her family.

“The problem is that you can’t control it,” Hendrix says. “Lots of guys wish they had x-ray vision so they could check out the knockers on the hot waitress, but I see everybody naked now. Including my parents and grandparents. I’ve started to avoid family functions. It’s terrible.”