Humanity Death Watch

Trump names hair as running mate

Trump's hair is already making the campaign rounds.

Trump’s hair is already on the campaign trail, hugging family pets and babies.

Having secured the Republican nomination for president, Donald J. Trump has been dodging questions and speculation about his choice of a running mate. On Tuesday morning he finally broke the silence in a series of tweets.

“Journalists busting down my door about VP nominee. Lots of excitement. @foxandfriends, @CNN, even failing @nytimes. EVERYONE wants me now!”

“Sorry @ChrisChristie! Sorry @RealBenCarson! You love America and I respect you for that but you can never love it like ME!”

“I am the best VP choice – ask ANYBODY!”

“I could do both – many high ranking officials have called me to tell me I could. Like to see them say so to Crooked Hillary. FAT CHANCE!”

“I love nothing more than our CONSTITUTION! Our CONSTITUTION says I can’t do both. Some losers don’t know that. SAD.”

“Who is better than me? NO ONE! But some parts of me are almost as good.”

“Lots of sad losers with too much time on their hands asking if it’s real or not. GET A LIFE! It is real, and it’s running!

“Yes my hair is my VP choice! It is all LEGAL, it is 37 years old, and it was made in the USA unlike Crazy Ted Cruz.”

“I hope Crooked Hillary picks Goofy Elizabeth Warren. Keep playing the woman card! Can’t wait to see them get crushed by my hair and me.”

Amid speculation that Trump’s Twitter account had been hacked, experts reassured the public about the tweets’ authenticity, pointing to their rambling, half-crazed, near-illiterate nature.

When asked to comment, Trump’s hair said it was hopeful that it could bring much-needed balance to the campaign with its soft-spoken nature and Lebanese heritage.

Photo credit: Ginger Trump by Manuel, licensed under CC 2.0

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