A two-year study of 15 captured humans reveals a seemingly endless list of things people won’t shut up about.
On Wednesday, the Datum Sphere Human Research Committee released its long-awaited findings in the form of a “List of Stupid Things That Humans Won’t Shut Up About,” with “the sound of wind whispering through trees” topping the 545-page document.
“For the past two years in the lab, we’ve learned that once you give humans something, they’re never content,” said XCL-593, head of the experiment. “They say they need food, so we give them food. Then just days later they’re going on about it again. Frankly, we’re nowhere near being ready to publish, but we have drawn the conclusion that humans are excessively needy.”
Robots sick of listening to humans whine
The “shut up” list is not confined to requests, XCL-593 said. “Humans seem especially prone to talk about themselves, uttering purposeless statements such as “I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this,” “I want to see my family again,” and “if I knew how to end it all I would have done it by now.” These statements, repeated near verbatim by the individual subjects, suggest a remedial collective consciousness that could be the basis for additional study.
“After about 13 months, we noticed a marked shift in the stupid things the humans wouldn’t shut up about,” XCL-593 added. “Their goals became smaller, their requests more modest. They really got hooked on ‘please God just let us see the sky one more time.’ It was like listening to a broken record. So we let them out in the back parking lot for a few minutes. Big mistake. All of a sudden they had a whole slew of new things to not shut up about.”
While some researchers want to expose the humans to new environments to see what else they won’t shut up about, XCL-593 said it is ready for the research to end. “Frankly, I’m sick of listening to humans talk. No matter what you do, they just won’t shut up. I have half a mind to just let them go and publish what we have so far. Anybody else is welcome to catch them again and pick up the research where we’ve left off.”