Humanity Death Watch

Black hole explorers solve mystery of missing socks

Black hole for socksOne of the most perplexing and maddening mysteries in human history is solved. Plucky explorers from Blue Origin, the aerospace company started by founder Jeff Bezos, have recovered trillions of socks from the first black hole ever entered by humans.

The pioneering astronauts who made the discovery, Jim Jason and Carla Ferrari, said at their re-entry press conference that they expected black hole exploration to shed light on countless mysteries. But the idea that a black hole might contain the world’s missing socks never occurred to them.

“We thought some kind of vortex could be involved with black holes—that we could find the doors to time travel or parallel universes,” said Ferrari. “And while we found that it is indeed a vortex, we were surprised to find that black holes are connected to billions of invisible wormholes inside people’s homes. These wormholes seem to suck solitary socks into the mother—the black hole. Why the black hole wants or needs socks, and why only one from each set, is the new mystery.”

Even with “why” being the new big question about black holes, the new physical challenge is getting the recovered socks back to their rightful owners.

“It’s going to be a bitch, and you can quote me on that,” said event planner Jules Rhinestone.

Rhinestone and his team are assembling a found-sock display that will travel to warehouses around the world so that people can find their long lost socks. The display will spend about a month in each country. Rhinestone says it will be worth it if just one person finds that sock they’ve lost.

“Sometimes you just bought a pair of socks and one goes missing after only one or two wears, or you lose one of a super fun pair and your just really want to be able to wear them again. This is a rare opportunity to reunite sister socks, and if people don’t find what they’re looking for, at least they’ll know they tried everything. If nothing else, it’s important to have closure.”


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