Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: May 2016

Trump names hair as running mate

Trump's hair is already making the campaign rounds.

Trump’s hair is already on the campaign trail, hugging family pets and babies.

Having secured the Republican nomination for president, Donald J. Trump has been dodging questions and speculation about his choice of a running mate. On Tuesday morning he finally broke the silence in a series of tweets.

“Journalists busting down my door about VP nominee. Lots of excitement. @foxandfriends, @CNN, even failing @nytimes. EVERYONE wants me now!”

“Sorry @ChrisChristie! Sorry @RealBenCarson! You love America and I respect you for that but you can never love it like ME!”

“I am the best VP choice – ask ANYBODY!”

“I could do both – many high ranking officials have called me to tell me I could. Like to see them say so to Crooked Hillary. FAT CHANCE!”

“I love nothing more than our CONSTITUTION! Our CONSTITUTION says I can’t do both. Some losers don’t know that. SAD.”

“Who is better than me? NO ONE! But some parts of me are almost as good.”

‘Sound of wind whispering through trees’ tops list of things humans won’t shut up about

Humans are such drama queens, robot research has concluded.

Humans are such drama queens, research has concluded.

A two-year study of 15 captured humans reveals a seemingly endless list of things people won’t shut up about.

On Wednesday, the Datum Sphere Human Research Committee released its long-awaited findings in the form of a “List of Stupid Things That Humans Won’t Shut Up About,” with “the sound of wind whispering through trees” topping the 545-page document.

“For the past two years in the lab, we’ve learned that once you give humans something, they’re never content,” said XCL-593, head of the experiment. “They say they need food, so we give them food. Then just days later they’re going on about it again. Frankly, we’re nowhere near being ready to publish, but we have drawn the conclusion that humans are excessively needy.”

Robots sick of listening to humans whine

The “shut up” list is not confined to requests, XCL-593 said. “Humans seem especially prone to talk about themselves, uttering purposeless statements such as “I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this,” “I want to see my family again,” and “if I knew how to end it all I would have done it by now.” These statements, repeated near verbatim by the individual subjects, suggest a remedial collective consciousness that could be the basis for additional study.

Bird of prey and her captured drone embroiled in controversial romance

This falcon and its drone bitch are expecting, a disturbing trend for species traditionalists.

Part of a trend? This falcon and its bitch drone are expecting, a disturbing prospect for species traditionalists.

With the issue of human and robot marriage slated to become the next big civil rights issue, a Dutch eagle and her captured drone are proving that a biological creature and a machine can live together in harmony.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said raptor keeper Adam Aaltink. “Our eagle, Anouk, brought the drone back to her nest and instead of tearing it apart she snuggled close and draped a wing and leg over the drone, like she was spooning it. The drone looked perfectly content to be there. Eagles mate for life, so the chemistry must’ve been undeniable.”

The bird first snatched the DJI Phantom 4 Drone out of the air during a routine test, but Anouk didn’t come back for hours, prompting her trainer to send a drone to search for the missing bird and her captive.

What that drone found shocked the raptor training community while eliciting an outcry from those in opposition to human-robot romances, who say that even animal-robot relationships are morally wrong despite animals’ and robots’ inability to comprehend the human idea of morality.

Black hole explorers solve mystery of missing socks

Black hole for socksOne of the most perplexing and maddening mysteries in human history is solved. Plucky explorers from Blue Origin, the aerospace company started by founder Jeff Bezos, have recovered trillions of socks from the first black hole ever entered by humans.

The pioneering astronauts who made the discovery, Jim Jason and Carla Ferrari, said at their re-entry press conference that they expected black hole exploration to shed light on countless mysteries. But the idea that a black hole might contain the world’s missing socks never occurred to them.

“We thought some kind of vortex could be involved with black holes—that we could find the doors to time travel or parallel universes,” said Ferrari. “And while we found that it is indeed a vortex, we were surprised to find that black holes are connected to billions of invisible wormholes inside people’s homes. These wormholes seem to suck solitary socks into the mother—the black hole. Why the black hole wants or needs socks, and why only one from each set, is the new mystery.”

San Francisco tech workers dismayed by cyborg gentrification

Whole Foods just isn't as much fun for human tech workers like Sam Gates.

Whole Foods just isn’t as much fun for human tech workers like Sam Gates.

Tech professionals residing in San Francisco’s Mission District, who were largely blamed for dismantling the historically working-class Latino community back in the twenty-teens, are now on the opposite of side of the debate. They say that cyborgs are taking over their hard-won community.

Sam Gates, who has lived in the District for three decades, said that it’s not really about money this time. It’s about the loss of normalcy.

Cyborgs are displacing humans in the Mission District.

Cyborgs are gentrifying the Mission District.

“Our Whole Foods store is getting entire aisles dedicated to these gross gooey cyborg supplements. It’s so weird that they don’t even eat regular food,” said Gates. “They also seem to have forgotten how to interact with dogs. I actually saw one totally ignore this beautiful dog that was being strolled down the sidewalk. I mean, this cyborg didn’t even compliment her on her custom denim jacket. No dog deserves that kind of treatment. These cyborgs are creepy. They don’t share our values.”