A study commissioned by the Caucasian Republicans for Advanced Patronage reveals the rich would rather play golf than live forever.
Funded by Rolex and Callaway Golf, the survey of 4,283 people from 49 states indicated that more than 70% of wealthy males and up to 41% of their first-through-third wives value time at their country club links more than anything in life, including life itself.
“The t-shirt that says ‘golf is life’ nailed it,” said one study participant. “Give me 18 holes of subpar golf over eternal life any day.”
Ranks higher than Illuminati membership
“Anybody can be immortal these days; just get your brain uploaded to the cloud,” said researcher Ty Webb. “But every round of golf is finite and uncertain. Golf reflects humanity’s most important challenges and the everlasting superiority of the rich.”
Survey respondents also ranked golf preferable to Panamanian offshore accounts, trophy wives, second homes in Davos and Illuminati membership.