Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: April 2016

Rich prefer golf to immortality

Augusta Amen Corner

Signposts on the road of life

A study commissioned by the Caucasian Republicans for Advanced Patronage reveals the rich would rather play golf than live forever.
Say amen if you're rich

Say amen if you’re rich.

Funded by Rolex and Callaway Golf, the survey of 4,283 people from 49 states indicated that more than 70% of wealthy males and up to 41% of their first-through-third wives value time at their country club links more than anything in life, including life itself.

“The t-shirt that says ‘golf is life’ nailed it,” said one study participant. “Give me 18 holes of subpar golf over eternal life any day.”

Ranks higher than Illuminati membership

“Anybody can be immortal these days; just get your brain uploaded to the cloud,” said researcher Ty Webb. “But every round of golf is finite and uncertain. Golf reflects humanity’s most important challenges and the everlasting superiority of the rich.”

Majority of real emotion now outsourced to emojis

Happy face

Futurist and emoji enthusiast Jolene Jansen said outsourcing emotion to emojis reflects human evolution.

A recent study conducted by Harvard University showed that the majority of people worldwide, many who have never lived in a world without emojis, are so accustomed to using the adorable little symbols to express emotion that they’ve nearly forgotten how to have a feeling without them.

The study, which polled humans from 196 countries, found that 95% of the time people turn to their trusty emojis to tell others what they’re feeling, even if they don’t have an electronic device handy.

So popular have the iconic symbols become that 25-year-old Lucy Gucci says when she feels an emotion, her default way to express it can even be verbal.

“My sister recently had a baby and when I saw him for the first time I was all like ‘awwwww, hugging face, smiling face with heart-shaped eyes, party popper!’” says Gucci. “Then, my sister said, ‘Smiling face with tears of joy, tired face, relieved face, flexed bicep.’ We were both just so smiling face with open mouth and smiling eyes!”

Intelligent alien life letting humanity’s calls go to voicemail

We're trying to be patient, aliens.

We’re trying to be patient, aliens, but we will key your car if that’s how you want to play it.

After last month’s stunning contact with extra-terrestrial intelligent life—finally proving that we are not alone in the universe—alien contacts appear to be giving humanity the Heisman.

“They seemed really interested in us,” said Anne Grogg, a scientist at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute, which communicated with the Andromeda Galaxy inhabitants via radio signals. “We made plans to talk again and set a date and time, but now they’re not answering our calls. We’ve left several voicemails, but now we’re worried that we may seem too needy.”

Too much too soon?

Attractive, fashionable woman awaits aliens

“Don’t make me beg,” says SETI scientist Anne Grogg.

Because technical difficulties could be the problem, the SETI Institute is taking the standard precautions: making sure the ringer is on, that their communication device is not set on airplane mode, and repeatedly checking that they didn’t somehow miss a voicemail.

Time machine so sick of 1932 Berlin

You know who ... about to be not killed again

You know who … about not to be killed again.

Citing the present’s near-fanatical desire to travel back in time and kill Hitler, a local time machine reported recently that it was “so utterly sick of 1932 Berlin.”

“The first time I went I was so excited. It was my very first mission. I thought I’d get to see the sights, do some good—it seemed like a win-win. But, of course, the people using me screwed it up. Unforeseeable causation. Of course. So then we had to go back and try to set it right. You know, as right as not killing Hitler gets. Of course, they screwed it up again. It took six separate trips between now and 1932 to get things basically back to how they were before.”

New owners, same old result

Sold on craigslist for pennies, the time machine was purchased by similarly well-intentioned do-gooders. “I’ll give you one guess as to what they wanted to do,” said the time machine.

“Sixty-seven times. I’ve been to Berlin 67 times. Sometimes we kill Hitler when he’s young. Sometimes we keep him from being born. Once we even made sure he got into that art school. But even that doesn’t make for much variety. It’s all just Germany and Austria in the early 20th century. And if you’ve read your history, you’ll know that isn’t really the coolest place to be.

‘I wish Hitler had never been born’

“I could go anywhere in time!” the time machine fumed. “I’d love to see a dinosaur. I feel like Jesus would be a cool guy to talk to. Or Leonardo da Vinci. Hell, I’d even take Lucille Ball. And don’t even get me started on the future. I bet there’s lots of cool stuff in the future! But I wouldn’t know, would I? Because I’ve never been. I’m too busy going to goddamn 1932 Berlin.

Stoked engineers turn to Lego technology to build new infrastructure

Lego City

Kids can participate in building projects, as the construction will be considered play and child labor laws will not apply.

With Earth’s natural resources virtually depleted, engineers are scrambling for new ways to rebuild and add to humanity’s physical infrastructure. Enter “Legos as Lumber,” a plan to use the Lego interlocking brick system to construct new buildings, roads and bridges.

Architectural engineer and childhood Lego enthusiast Tucker Grimes, says, “This is going to be so rad! This kind of opportunity makes the destruction of the forests and depletion of mineral mines totally worth it.”

Grimes, the father of three, says the idea came to him after a particularly annoying Lego clean-up session.

“The damn things were everywhere. As I was digging them out from between the sofa cushions it occurred to me that millions of homes must have tons of Legos, too. I could help parents take their house back while gaining free materials for important real-world projects.” So Grimes began a “Liberate your Legos” donation center, an idea he calls “freakin’ epic!”