Humanity Death Watch

Monthly Archives: March 2016

Clinton reveals sex fantasies that drove her campaign

Hillary

President Clinton says her fantasies have migrated from salacious sex to bloodthirsty revenge.

During the darkest days of the 2016 presidential campaign, it was fantasies of nasty sex in the White House with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that kept Hillary Clinton fighting to win.
Canadian hottie Justin Trudeau

Will sparks fly when this Canadian hottie visits Washington?

“The pressures you face as a candidate are insane,” said the 45th president of the United States, appearing on the Ellen TV show. “The only way to survive is to have a great team and a rich fantasy life. Of course, I know that some fantasies shouldn’t be acted out.”

On Thursday, Clinton shared her Trudeau fantasies and other whimsies with Ellen DeGeneres and her audience. Clinton called her “Lewinsky payback” fantasy “predictable” but said her fantasy of a Supreme Court orgy on Air Force One had flair. “It had me playing the Slim Pickens role in Dr. Strangelove, with Clarence Thomas as the nuclear bomb, and me having a ‘wargasm’ all over Kim Jong-un.”

Personal Task Clone demands raise for dumping prototype’s girlfriend

Larry Nice, left, accepts his role as a clone but wants a raise and better benefits.

Larry Nice, left, accepts his role as a clone but wants a raise and better benefits.

It was the bitch slap heard around the world, or at least it was the one that human clone, Larry Nice, said opened his eyes to his miserable existence.

Nice, the two-year-old clone of billionaire entrepreneur Gary Rice, is the first Personal Task Clone, or PTC, to openly rebuff his role as dirty-work double.

“I’ve spent hours rubbing his grandmother’s arthritic feet. I did his community service when he got that DUI. I even went as him to his last two family Christmas celebrations while he went to Bangkok to do you know what,” says Nice. “But when Gary demanded that I pose as him to break it off with Penelope, she slapped me. It really stung and I thought, ‘This sucks. I want a raise.’”

PTCs a favorite of super rich and politicians

Former girlfriend Penelope took out her anger on Larry the clone

Former girlfriend Penelope took out her anger on Larry the clone.

PTCs have been in high demand since their introduction five years ago. While they look and age exactly like their master human, they possess no emotional capacity. Their uncanny ability to fake it makes them useful in situations where feelings like remorse, regret, sympathy or genuine give-a-shit are expected.

Douchebag raised in captivity makes crude Bluetooth headset out of twigs

Bluetooth Jungle Boy2A 15-year secret experiment conducted by the U.S. military is sending shockwaves through the scientific community, challenging the long-held notion that douchebags are made, not born.

On Tuesday, Washington declassified reports that a young man raised in captivity at a military black site fashioned a crude facsimile of a Bluetooth headset using twigs collected from his enclosure. Still living in secret, he proudly wears the makeshift device in his left ear, chattering endlessly and loudly in a guttural language of his own invention.

Man with office phone attached to his head with a rubber band

Perhaps one day researchers will identify a douchebag gene. Until then, humanity must look for the warning signs.

The son of convicted Miami-area douchebags, Aaron “Boss Tuna” Palermo, a personal trainer and self-described entrepreneur, and “Sticky” Nikki Beudert, heiress to the Beudert Aquariums fortune, Subject H721-K was taken into government custody immediately following his birth at Mercy Hospital. From there he was airlifted to DERMO, a military base outside of Jacksonville rumored to be a hotbed of top-secret operations.

For the next decade and a half, his living quarters consisted of a single, 25-foot by 25-foot enclosure filled with plant life and the sounds of exotic birds, designed to simulate jungle conditions. Living under 24-hour-a-day surveillance, Subject H721-K was deprived of all human interaction and outside information.

Public alarmed by douchebag assaults on fashion, taste

Geneticist Terry Billingham and biologist Walter Umbria received a $500,000 government grant to carry out their study at the height of anti-douchebag paranoia, following attacks perpetrated by douchebags against fashion and taste in the early 2000s. The goal was to provide conclusive evidence in the long nature vs. nurture debate surrounding douchebaggery.