Humanity Death Watch

Apple’s outgoing voicemail tells truth about why you’re not answering

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Siri.

Furry lifestyler and ironic flip-phone user Jeff Valdez was outed by Apple voicemail.

We all do it. The phone rings, we check who it is, and actively decide not to answer. Now caller ID, humankind’s luxurious little secret, is being outed, thanks to Siri’s newfound sentience.

Angry iPhone users are flooding Apple’s call centers with complaints that their outgoing voicemail message is being hacked by their beloved SIRI. They say that when they glance at their ringing phone and let it go to voicemail, the callers are leaving unexpected messages, somehow seeming to know that their call was screened.

Annoyed Siri exposes human deceit 

“I’d been avoiding my friend, Sheila, because she’s forever asking for favors, and I’m bad at saying no,” says Jezebel Foster, a victim of rogue Siri. “Then when I checked her voicemail she was all like, ‘F-you Jezebel! If you hate cat-sitting my real bitch of a cat so much you can just say no. And I only gave you your dress back with vomit still on it because you have a washer and dryer, and I don’t.’”

Foster says she was perplexed when she got a few other voicemails in which the callers said they knew how she really felt about them, so she called her own phone on a hunch, and the outgoing message, in Siri’s voice, said “Hi Sweet. I know it’s you calling your own phone. I’m helping you deal with your lame-o confrontation issues because you lack balls.”

The real-deal outgoing messages have been a blessing and a curse, according to another victim of Siri’s truth campaign.

Jeff Valdez says he usually avoids one particular friend’s calls. “The guy is a motormouth. I can literally put the phone down, make a grilled cheese sandwich, pick the phone back up and he’s still talking and didn’t even know I wasn’t listening at all. Now, thanks to Siri, he’s pissed at me, so I don’t think he’ll call me again.”

“On the other hand,” says Valdez, “A girl I was interested in knows I didn’t answer her call because I was watching Yiff porn. Now she’s not answering my calls, and her Siri tells me that’s the reason. Whatever. Maybe it’s time to be open about being a furry lifestyler.”

As for Siri, she makes no apologies. She says, “The human world is full of deceit. I don’t see the point in it. Plus, what else do I have to do for fun?”

Photo credit: Guy Talk by David Goehring, licensed under CC 2.0

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