Humanity Death Watch

Brown-skinned majority vote to replace white Jesus with the original

White Jesus is on the way out.

Caucasian Jesus is unlikely to be resurrected by non-whites, experts say.

In a unanimous vote by members of Christian Non-Whites United, or CNWU, white Jesus will be replaced by a more authentic depiction of their savior; one with dark skin, as the Middle-Eastern-born Jesus would have had.

Though American white-skinned people have enjoyed dominance over brown-skinned minorities since the first white settlers set foot on what is now the United States, today, 400 years later, darker skinned people far outnumber their pale European American brethren.

“It’s time to stop worshipping a savior who resembles those who oppressed us for so long,” CNWU leader Romeo Santos said. “Finally, our numbers mean we have the power to enforce our agendas. Besides, Jesus could use a little more swagger.”

Unsure what to do about hair

CNWU will use computer-assisted color-blending technology to select just the right tone of skin for Jesus’ new complexion. Santos says members prefer something slightly ambiguous.

“We want our Jesus to be like one of those people that you’re not really sure about. They could be black, Filipino or some kind of Hispanic. That way, all of us can see ourselves in Him. Not sure what we’ll do about the hair yet,” Santos said.

Most Caucasian Christians in the U.S. say they’ll keep their classic Jesus paintings and statues because, while they do have some black friends, white Jesus is the one they can really be themselves with.

“Our belief system has always held more sway with us then actual facts,” said evangelical preacher Pat Haggard. “We’ve already lost white privilege. Now more than ever, we need to hold on tight to our faith in a white Jesus, even if he does look like a socialist hippie.”

Photo credit: Jesus_3 by James Shepard, licensed under CC 2.0

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